The Hand Bites Back
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: The sequel to the extremely confusing and over the top "Biting the Hand That Feeds You!" More economics shenanigans! More giant magic robots! More romantic hijinks! And even more crack!
1. Chapter 1

**A short time ago, in a United Kingdom far, far away…**

**HARRY POTTER AND BITING THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU**

Episode II: The Hand Bites Back

**A Harry Potter fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon and Others**

**Disclaimer: This is a non profit fan based parody. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Time Warner. Please support the official release.**

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><p><em>It is a time of confusion and war. While Harry Potter and his friends have defeated Voldemort's army of giant Inferi, the MINISTRY OF MAGIC remains obstinate and paralyzed by the embargo and internal politics.<em>

_In this quiet time, Lord Voldemort has begun to amass power and resources in both the MAGIC world and the MUGGLE WORLD with the assistance of his Loremaster, the Squib Alfred Lestrange._

_The forces of good, however, are seldom idle, especially when fighting to restore peace and justice to the world..._

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><p>Hermione Granger sighed as she looked through the Daily Prophet's latest headlines by the bedside of her best friend, Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived was currently sleeping as she flipped through the pages of the periodical, scowling a bit as she read through the latest articles. Pansy Parkinson sat on the other side of the bed, watching her with a disinterested expression.<p>

"So... What's got your knickers in a twist right now?" Pansy asked. Hermione growled.

"My knickers are not in a twist thank you," she sniffed. "And why exactly are you still hovering over Harry?"

Pansy smiled. "Just thinking about how to reward Potter for saving me... And us. But mainly me." She hummed as she looked up and down Harry's sleeping form. "Hmmm... So many,many ideas..."

Hermione growled and held up her taser. Pansy's smirk widened as she rested a hand on Harry's... Stomach.

"That can't work here."

Hermione non-chalantly stuck the taser into the back of Pansy's palm. The girl yelped and yanked her hand back, rubbing it. "Ow! That really hurt!"

"And it wasn't even turned on," Hermione said smugly. "Now focus! We are in the middle of a major crisis here, and I'm trying to figure out a way to solve it!"

"You could just take me up on my offer, Granger," Pansy said with a smile. "After all, mistresses are part of Pureblood society."

"So is incest, which would explain this," Hermione said dryly, turning the newspaper around and holding it up to Pansy's face. Pansy narrowed her eyes as she read the headline.

"'Embattled Fudge Denies Embargo is Responsible for Little Whinging Battle,'" Pansy read. She shrugged. "I don't see the issue."

"Wha-How can you-His stupid embargo and denial of Voldemort being back caused all this to happen!" Hermione sputtered angrily. Pansy shrugged.

"Because there an emergency recall election being planned as we speak," Pansy said, leaning back in her chair. Hermione blinked.

"How do you-?"

"It's called reading between the lines, Granger," Pansy snorted. She pointed at a paragraph. "See here? 'Lord Blackjoy met with the Ministerial Council behind closed doors.'"

"Ah, well-" Hermione began, but Pansy held up her hand to interrupt her.

"Which means, they're probably going over the Ancient Articles of Impeachment. Fudge's blustering is mainly to convince the public everything is fine and to drum up popular support. But we both know that's unlikely. In the case of his sacking at this moment, a special emergency election is called for an interim Minister of Magic." Pansy snorted and leaned back in her chair, rubbing the back of her hand significantly. "What? Don't you have politics in the Muggle World?"

"Well... Yes, but I never paid them much mind," Hermione said, slightly embarrassed. "But that's just the point! The new Minister might be anyone! Maybe even a supporter of Voldemort himself!"

"Maybe," Pansy admitted, "but what's the good of fretting over it if it won't fix anything?"

"I am not fretting! I am working on a plan to fix this! But I need proper information first," she said defensively. Pansy smirked.

"From the Daily Prophet."

Hermione scowled, and set the newspaper down. "So, what would you suggest?"

"I suggest we gather some actual information first," Pansy said. "After all... Research is what you do best, right?"

Hermione hummed. "I suppose I'll have to work on that..." She glared at Pansy. "Which isn't an excuse for you to hang around and seduce Harry!"

"Oh darn," Pansy deadpanned. "And I was having so much trouble with that before."

"Yes. You were," Hermione said, in just as snarky a tone.

Harry sighed as he rubbed his cheeks. "Can't I get some peace and quiet for five minutes?"

"Sorry Harry," both girls said. They started and looked down at the now conscious Boy Who Lived.

"Harry? How long have you-?" Hermione tried. Harry sighed.

"Long enough... And what kind of research do you have in mind?"

"Very _thorough_ research," Pansy hummed with a little smirk. "Wanna help us out?" She leaned over, and Harry flushed. He looked up at the ceiling as Hermione glared death at Pansy.

"He is going to recover. We, on the other hand... _We_ have work to do."

* * *

><p>Fred and George sighed, leaning back in their chairs in their office. It was a bit difficult to find much room, given how their storerooms were overflowing. Boxes were piled all over the place, on every free space. They'd even charmed several boxes to stick to the ceiling overhead.<p>

"Gotta say, Fred," George began, "success is never as simple as they say it is."

"To be fair, twin o' mine, the people who usually speak about success never achieved it themselves."

"True, true," George nodded to his twin. Fred sighed, and looked around.

"That said… Would be nice if we could get another project rolling. With less clutter and all…"

George hummed… And snapped his fingers. "Hey! Why not ask Granger's mum for some help!"

"Granger's mum?" Fred asked in disbelief. "What makes you think she'd be any help?"

"One, she's hot," George said, "and two, she has access to all of Hermione's notes and homework. There's gotta be something in there we can use, right?"

Fred frowned. "And give her a fair price?"

"Of course, brother o' mine! How could it be anything else?" George asked with a bright grin. Fred smiled back.

"Just making sure. No need to become that thing we hate."

George made a face. "Ugh, of course mate."

* * *

><p>"Arthur! I'm home!" Molly called as she emerged into her home with a bright smile. She was holding several shopping bags. "And I brought gifts!" She called. She checked the clock... And her smile grew as she saw that there was nobody there but her husband. She headed upstairs.<p>

"And a few gifts for you, too~," with a bit of a sultry tone. She looked in the family mirror and posed a bit. The last few weeks had been good to her-These Muggle workout tapes werefantastic! She looked and felt years younger! She'd even gotten some looks from a few of Ron's school friends in the Alley this morning!

Frankly, Narcissa was right. If Molly was to lead in society, she needed to look the part.

"Wait, who are you?" Her mirror self asked. Her eyes widened. "Molly! You look great!"

"Thank you dear," Molly said with a bright smile. "And I'm sure Arthur will agree." She sighed as she set her bags down by the hallway closet. She really had neglected her poor husband lately... Well! Her trimmer look would be a nice way to make things up to him.

"Arthur? Arthur!" She called as she made it to their room. She burst in and beamed. "We're going to enjoy... Ourselves... A lot?"

Arthur was sitting on the bed with a tall, rumpled suit-wearing blonde man. They were poring over one of those Muggle laptops.

"We need to increase the gear size here," the man said. Arthur frowned.

"Are you sure? That wouldn't be too cumbersome, would it?"

"Oh no, trust me!" The blonde man said cheerfully. "I worked on a dam before! Well, I was there... When it was exploding... Entirely for unrelated reasons." The man coughed, and looked up. Arthur did so. Arthur's eyes widened, as did the young man's.

"Woah... Hello," the young man said with a bright smile. "I'm Castor Tonks, so nice to meet you-"

"Yes, likewise," Molly said, scowling a bit. "Arthur? Why is this young man in our bedroom? With you? Alone?"

"It... Er... Well..." Arthur tried to hide the laptop, but Molly summoned it to her with her wand. "Hey!"

"Wait. She's your wife?" Castor asked. Arthur stared at Molly as the redhead looked over the blueprints and designs on the screen. She scowled.

"Arthur! Are you and this... This young man doing... Muggle things in our bedroom?"

"I... Yes, yes she is," Arthur said slowly. Castor blinked, and quickly backed away with a cough.

"Ah... Hello Mrs Weasley," he said. Molly nodded.

"Hello... Arthur! Please explain yourself?" She said. Arthur gulped.

"Ah, well... You see, you did give me leave to work on Muggle things... And Castor here is a bit of an expert, and he has no place to go-"

"You want him to stay with us for this...?" She held up the laptop with an arched eyebrow. Arthur gulped.

"Well, I was... Going to ask you but uh..."

Molly smiled warmly. "Oh... I'm sure you can convince me, Arthur dear," she practically purred. Arthur blinked a few times, as though seeing his wife for the first time.

"... Castor? Uh... Please go see to... I mean, you can..." Arthur turned to Castor and shoved him out the open window. "Sorry!"

"NO PROB-GAH!" Castor shouted from outside. Arthur shut the window and turned to his wife. Molly smiled, and shut the door behind her.

"So... You were convincing me, yes?" Molly asked sweetly.

"Oh yes I am," Arthur said, before he pounced.

Castor stood up and grunted. He cracked his neck, and rolled his head on his shoulders. "Ugh... Well! Not the first time I've gotten shoved out a window for nookie," he said with a shrug. He walked up to the front of the house, sat in a chair, and sighed as he leaned back.

"... Wish he'd left me the laptop though..." He made a face. "Probably don't want to touch it too soon..."

* * *

><p>Draco and Ginny walked up the path leading to the Burrow. Draco's reluctance was clear, but she was right behind him pushing him forward.<p>

"I can walk on my own, you know." He said with a sniff of disdain.

"Clearly you need some prodding to get you moving in the first place." She said echoing his tone.

"Say… who's that?" Draco asked curiously, pointing to a suspicious figure who was getting back to his feet in the Weasley back garden.

Ginny gaped at the intruder and pulled her wand out. "You don't suppose it's another attack?"

"So soon? I can't imagine You-Know-Who choosing to strike so quickly after the last one."

"How did he get past the wards?" Ginny growled, aiming at the figure as they slowly approached.

There was no cover between them there was really very little in the way of cover. The figure clearly noticed their approach, but didn't seem perturbed. If anything he was waving cheerfully.

Draco frowned, his own wand out, ready to cover Ginny. Despite himself he was finding that to be a familiar role.

"What are you doing here?" Ginny called out as they finally got close enough to get a good look at him.

Draco blinked in confusion as how… familiar the new figure was. Features that he could swear he'd seen before in the mirror. Blonde hair, not so neatly styled, but in familiar shade. If he weren't so tanned and so much older, Draco could almost swear he was looking at himself. Or perhaps like a younger version of his father.

Ginny had spotted the resemblance as well and was shifting her gaze back and forth between Draco and the… admittedly very handsome young man in the rumpled suit and tie. His sleeves were rolled up sloppily, showing he didn't seem averse to hard work and she found herself noting the hard lines of muscle showing on those bared forearms.

For a brief irrational moment, Ginny wondered if this were actually a time-traveling Draco comes back from the future to offer advice and wisdom to his younger self… and possibly seduce her in the bargain. She gave a happy little shudder at that thought.

"Oh, hi!" He called, waving to them again. "I just got tossed out of the window by Arthur."

"I knew it," Draco snarled, raising his wand to fire, despite noting that the intruder wasn't holding a wand at all.

"You knew he'd been tossed out the window by my father?" Ginny asked in confusion, turning to Draco.

"No, I mean, I knew he was an intruder!" He sputtered, glancing over at her.

"Well, actually, I was invited." The stranger continued.

"If you were invited then why did you get tossed out the window?" Draco asked suspiciously.

"Because this really gorgeous woman showed up clearly intending to seduce him." He replied.

Ginny raised her wand menacingly, "A what?!"

"Said her name was Molly!" The stranger replied, raising his hands up placatingly, "I'm guessing that's your mom? She said she was married to him!"

Draco blinked. He turned to Ginny and said, "No offense, Weasley, but from what I've seen of your mother, she's sort of… salt of the earth, solid no-nonsense woman. But not what I'd call 'gorgeous'."

The stranger made a scoffing noise. "You've got awfully high standards there, friend."

Draco's eyes narrowed, "I'm no friend of yours, my good fellow," He said in tones that clearly indicated he didn't really think the other fellow was all that good a fellow after all.

"My mother's a-" Ginny began to say, fully intending to defend her mother's looks, but was interrupted as the upstairs window was thrown open and a vision of loveliness looked out.

She was redheaded, clearly a Weasley. She was a buxom, solidly built woman with all the features Draco recognized as belonging to the Weasley matriarch, but sharpened somehow. More refined. More… feminine. Her hair was a wild, unkempt main around her and there was a glow to her features… the look of someone who had just been recently engaged in some heavy exercise. She had an old terrycloth robe wrapped around her. She panted breathlessly as she spoke, "Hello, down there!"

"Hello, Mrs. Weasley!" The stranger called up, waving to her cheerfully.

Draco blinked and tried to figure out if the somewhat dumpy figured woman he recalled from many a time at Platform 9 ¾ had somehow been replaced. Although if that actually WAS Ginny's mother for real… he glanced over to Ginny and contemplated that the ability to age gracefully did tend to be inherited.

"I… that is… Arthur… you see… he… um… he wanted to apologize. About the… well… you know."

"Think nothing of it, Mrs. Weasley! I've been thrown out of higher windows than yours." He called back.

"Oh, Ginny, dear. Welcome home." Molly continued to seem to have trouble catching her breath.

"Hello, mum." Ginny called back with some difficulty. After all… she really hadn't been spending as much time at home as she should have. How her mother looked was… a bit of a surprise. "Um…"

"Oh, and I see you've brought a guest!" Molly said, seeming to finally catch her breath.

"Er… yes, ma'am." Draco replied earnestly. "I… don't mean to intrude."

"Not at all, not at all." Molly said dismissively. She turned her attention to Ginny, "Do be a dear and could you help Castor over there get settled into the twins' old room? Your father's putting him up for a little bit since he's… how did you put it, dear?"

"Between situations." Castor called back with a cheeky smile.

"That… and it looks like he's helping your father design some muggle thing." Her eyes fluttered happily, "I'm in a mood to indulge him a little."

"I was actually going to ask…" Ginny said, then glanced at Draco.

Molly's eyes widened and a lazy smile stole over her features, "Oh. Were you going to ask us to put young Mister Malfoy up for a bit?"

"Uh… you know him, mum?" Ginny asked in confusion.

"Of course, I recognize him, dear." Molly called down. "His mother and I have been getting along quite well recently." She made a dismissive gesture, "Treat our house as you would your own, dear." She giggled, "Why, you're practically family!"

Draco blinked in confusion at that, then leaned over to Ginny and murmured. "Has someone used a Confundus on your mother?"

Ginny made a disgusted expression. "No. She's always like this when she's had some 'quality time'."

"She's very… mellow," Draco murmured.

"... and about to spill out of that robe." Castor murmured. This earned him a slap on the shoulder from Ginny.

Molly gave another lazy smile, "In any case, I think your father's just about back up and about… ah…"

Ginny winced, "Why don't I get dinner started. You and… ah… just… take your time and make sure to keep the sound-proofing charms are up and running."

"Thank you, dear heart." Molly practically sang. "Don't expect your father and I down until at least tomorrow morning. Late tomorrow morning."

Ginny made another disgusted face and grabbed Draco by the hand, "Come on in then."

Castor followed, hands in his pockets and said idly, "I just think it's really cool that a couple their age are still so into each other."

"Stop. Talking. Right. Now." Ginny ground out.

* * *

><p>Draco was not going to admit out loud that he was actually glad for his current circumstances.<p>

Alright, SOME of his current circumstances. Specifically the bit which involved Ginny Weasley cooking for him.

When he'd been staying with Snape, being a pair of bachelors with little real cooking experience and no inclination for actually preparing meals, most of their meals at Spinner's end had been take-away or occasionally Snape would arrange for a Hogwarts elf to drop off something tastier and more substantial. Draco really had gotten used to elf cooking, since that was what he had at home as well. His mother was… decidedly undomestic.

Ginny on the other hand, knew her way around a kitchen and no doubt due to her mother's influence seemed to consider a three-course meal to be a 'small snack'.

He was not going to admit to himself that she looked very attractive in an apron.

Draco did notice that her cooking was good, even as he ate morosely. This was the closest thing to a bright spot for him this day. At least he was eating well. And would have a place to stay… such as it was.

The other Weasley guest, Castor Tonks tucked into his portion of Weasley prepared food with gusto. "This is extremely good, Ginny." He glanced over at Draco, "You're a lucky fellow." He waggled his eyebrows.

Ginny winced, seeing Draco's expression darken and the younger boy glower at the man.

"If I were lucky, I wouldn't be-" He choked off the rest of what he was going to say as Ginny plopped some more food in front of him.

"Eat. You'll feel better." Ginny said firmly.

"I'm not like your brother, Weasley! Not every problem is solved with _more_ food!" He growled at her.

She smirked, "Well, our particular problem would have been solved if we _did_ have food."

"Damned potato thieves," Draco snarled and dug into the sausages that Ginny had made him.

"Potato thieving?" Castor glanced back and forth between them in confusion, "What problem?"

"The Death Eaters destroyed my factory, my godfather, who was the so-called 'legal adult' on the paperwork prevented us from getting it repaired just so he could cash in on the 'inch-sewer-ants' and on top of that the Ministry is seizing what's left of the company assets and 'nationalizing' them!" Draco growled, holding up the ministry scroll and waving it around angrily.

"Practically the only thing we had left after the giant inferi head smashed into the factory were the potatoes." Ginny explained breezily as she brought more food to the table.

Castor meanwhile had accepted the scroll from Draco and seemed to be reading it intently. "Is Snape the Godfather you were talking about?"

"Yes?" Draco blinked in surprise.

"Well, that explains it. They didn't exactly seize your things. It looks like since he's named on the paperwork, he signed it over to the ministry." Castor murmured.

"I don't think I burned down enough of his things." Draco sighed.

Ginny looked thoughtful, "So he ended up with muggle money from the factory being wrecked and this deal gets him Galleons, I imagine?"

Draco threw his hands up in exasperation, "I know Godf- Snape would want the money, but why would the Ministry even want my potatoes?! It makes no sense that they would try to nationalize two tons worth of potatoes JUST for some sort of 'strategic reserve'. That's barely enough to feed Diagon a couple a meal or two. It can't possibly be worth that much!"

"Hey… did you have any employment contracts drawn up?" Castor asked suddenly, looking up from the scroll.

Ginny shook her head, "Most of the workers were day laborers for the most part. They worked, we paid them in food."

Draco blinked as a thought struck him, "But the security personnel would have needed them."

Ginny and Draco stared at one another as the same thought penetrated.

Castor nodded, "I don't think it was the potatoes they were after, if I read this right. They were expecting 'all assets'. That would include-"

"Contracts of employment," Ginny concluded.

"They wanted the ex-Aurors." Draco nodded. "And Snape, who handed the company over didn't know enough about how we were running things to know that they weren't under contract. No one was."

"The Ministry must have assumed that we had them signed up with us and were claiming control of the company to get control of them." Ginny replied.

Draco was already on his feet and pacing, thinking furiously. "They need those people. They're still trying to maintain the embargo despite it not working… the Auror corps is gutted." He grinned at Ginny, "Most of the senior and experienced Aurors are already with us. All they have left are the rookies and the old hands who are too deeply entrenched and lazy to protest when the Ministry stopped being able to pay them properly."

"How were they planning on seizing our assets when they didn't have anyone to do it?" Ginny chuckled. "They were planning on having our own people do it. The potatoes are just gravy."

"Mmm… speaking of gravy, this is really good." Castor said to Ginny with a disarmingly charming smile. Ginny blushed slightly and wondered idly if Draco really would look that good when he got to that age.

Draco was too distracted by his pacing to notice. "But we didn't sign them with the company did we?" He asked Ginny sharply. "We were going to sign them up once the attack finished, but the head took out the factory and your office before we were able to, right?"

Ginny grinned, "Yes. We were able to hand out the pay vouchers. That money's in Gringotts and was already considered 'spent', so the Ministry won't be able to touch it, since it no longer belongs to the company. Our employees weren't 'company assets' on any books, though. We never had a chance to update them."

"Merlin help the Ministry if they tried to force the Goblins to hand over money that they're not entitled to to try and grab the ex-Aurors then. They'd have another Rebellion." Draco laughed. "And with no Aurors, they'd be butchered."

Castor watched in fascination as the two teens bounced off one another. "So… these Aurors… ex-Aurors… they didn't work for the company?"

"No. Which means the seizure of the company assets never affected them." Ginny said thoughtfully. "If anything, Smith, who was leading them, pretty much just had a personal verbal contract with Draco."

Draco nodded sharply as he considered possibilities. "Then the Ministry gets nothing… and now we have something they want."

Ginny frowned, "Do we? I mean… maybe they weren't working for the company, but they've got no loyalty towards us."

"We're more trustworthy than the Ministry at this point and they've taken my money." Draco sniffed, "It was clearly an agreement between gentlemen."

Ginny rolled her eyes.

Castor, who was still watching suddenly asked, "So what now?"

Draco grinned. "Weasley, we need to go. We have work to do."

* * *

><p>"My Lord, may I speak with you?"<p>

Voldemort, the Dark Lord, He Who Must Not Be Named, the most feared wizard in all of magic Britain, looked up from the Yu Gi Oh cards he had been studying to gaze curiously at Alfred. The request had been made in an oddly deferential tone for the young squib.

"Speak, Loremaster."

"My Lord…", Alfred paused and seemed to be stealing himself. "My Lord, an opportunity has presented itself. However, it touches upon a subject you are known to find distasteful." At this the conversations of the Death Eaters in the room seemed to catch for a moment before continuing, though only a fool could fail to notice the way they were not-so-secretly focused on their Lord and his new Loremaster.

Seeing no immediate reaction from Voldemort, Alfred continued. "Given the continuing impact on our operations that the embargo is having, I got together with a few other people and started looking at what resources we could muster in the Muggle world."

Voldemort's eyes narrowed very slightly at that. Inwardly however, he was amused at Snape's look of consternation. Crabbe's glare at the Loremaster was a surprise though, he'd have to get the details later.

Seeing no further reaction on the Dark Lord's part, Alfred pushed on. "We've actually found that we're better off than I'd thought, and by accident discovered a possible avenue to get at Potter from an unexpected direction."

"Oh?" Voldemort said with interest in his voice, "I'm hardly likely to find any means of getting to Potter distasteful, Loremaster."

"Thomas Riddle Senior."

Instantly, all sound and motion in the room ceased - as though name itself were some kind of spell. A few of Alfred's allies were staring at him in shock, Lucius and Snape looked as if they were getting ready to run, and the rest were simply frozen in place.

Rage filled Voldemort, and his wand snapped into his hand as rose to...but then he stopped, as Alfred just stood there, meeting his gaze, and holding out a folder filled with papers. Forcing down his anger, Voldemort reminded himself of why Alfred was his Loremaster - he got shit done. Still, it took a deliberate effort not to Cruciatus the boy where he stood.

"And what," he said, twitching his wand towards the folder, his voice promising pain, "is that?"

"A file on a company called Pulmonata Holdings," Alfred replies. Taking a deep breath, he explains, "After so many years most of the Riddle estate is, well, gone." Alfred shrugs, "Inherited by some distant cousins whose heirs have since lost it, seized for payment of debts, the usual sort of thing. According to our lawyers, a seat on the board of Pulmonata Holdings," he indicates the file, "is the only piece of the Riddle estate we think a 'rediscovered heir' could claim, largely due to some almost medieval terms in its charter."

"And exactly why would I want to?" Everyone in the room started to relax a bit as the threat of immediate death seemed to ebb. "What could this possibly have to do with Potter?"

A faint smile appeared on Alfred's face as he opens the file and slides a piece of paper out. "Please note the name highlighted on this list of junior partners."

Looking at the name, Voldemort's brow furrows for a moment, then recognition dawned and he almost seemed to stop breathing.

"Are you certain of this, boy?"

"It will likely require some magic to get the paperwork through, and probably some messing with people's heads, but nothing noticeable if we're careful." Alfred pulls out some other papers, "You won't have control of the company, just a seat on the board, however..."

"No." Shaking his head Voldemort sits back down. "It would be a good means to get close, but loathe as I am to admit it the boy's mother truly was a genius. The ward she placed over them means I cannot harm any member of her family."

"You wouldn't need to inflict any harm to cause problems. We can easily work it so that he is your direct subordinate," Alfred noted. And over his shoulder Voldemort could see that Snape was having to try very hard to keep a straight face. He had mentioned at one point having met the man and his wife once, hadn't he?

"Well now," finally a smile flickers over the Dark Lord's face, "that _does_ have possibilities for amusement."

* * *

><p>Vernon Dursley was in a bad mood.<p>

Normally, Dursley was actually quite happy to be at work. After all, through backstabbing, sucking up to his superiors, and (as loathe as all who worked with him were willing to admit) actually being quite good at his job, he had achieved a position that allowed him to be a truly petty tyrant overseeing a large number people while minimizing the number of people he had to defer to. It was a situation that filled his shriveled little soul with joy.

Today however the number of people he had to defer to had increased by one.

It wasn't even a proper 'someone' he thought furiously to himself. Just some nobody who'd managed to sneak his way onto the Board because he was related to one of the founders. And not even properly related! According to rumors he'd been placed in a orphanage after his mother had been thrown out!

At least the bastard's mother had had the good grace to die rather than becoming a burden upon proper society. This 'Thomas Riddle' had gone on to become a lazy, good-for-nothing layabout, running around committing crimes and sucking up the tax money of decent citizens, just like all orphans were!

And now this parasite sucking up the money liberals kept throwing away had managed to con his way onto the Board! Managing to achieve through a technicality and outright theft a position over him, Vernon Dursley! A man who had achieved everything in his life through hard work and proper conduct!

"Mister Dursley?"

His thoughts derailed before they could move from exclamation points to all-caps, Dursley looked up into the face of the new partner's personal assistant. A very young man, Vernon noted distastefully, far too young for his position and likely a relative...or perhaps the new partner was some kind of pervert?

"Mr. Dursl…?"

"Yes. yes. I'm not deaf boy." He glared at the young man, "Is it finally my turn?"

"I do apologize for the wait, Mr. Dursley," a cleaned up Alfred said with little attempt at sincerity. "Mr. Riddle is trying to meet with all his subordinates and get up to speed on how the company functions." Vernon did not fail to note the slight emphasis placed on the word 'subordinate', "Please go on in."

Biting down on his anger, composing his face into the utterly insincere expression of deference that he wore whenever dealing with a superior, Vernon entered the office, leaving Alfred seemingly alone in the waiting area.

"What. An. Ass." Setting down behind the desk, Alfred opens the Private Investigator's report on the Dursley's for the nth time, then addresses the empty air, "How the hell is this Potter kid not a neurotic mess?"

"Reading between the lines of what Severus and my son tell me, I rather suspect he is." Narcissa replies, as she pushes her invisibility cloak off her shoulders. "By Merlin, I can honestly say I've never met anyone for whom the term 'muggle' is more richly deserved. Insufficient, even."

Looking at each other, both squib and Death Eater share a rare smile. "Wouldn't you like to be in there to see this?"

"Hell yes."

* * *

><p>The first thing Vernon noticed was the smell, a strange mixture of burning herbs and reptile. He wondered for a moment if there were something wrong with the plumbing, but then his attention was taken by the figure sitting behind the desk.<p>

Tall, and he noted with grudging approval, well dressed. Glancing at the rest of the office Vernon saw that it was well appointed with candles and...No...That's wrong.

With dawning horror, Vernon gapped at the office. It's not that anything changed, it's more that suddenly he realized that there was something wrong with candles in sconces, and a desk that looked more like an altar, and…"

"Vernon Dursley," hissed the robed man rising from behind the desk. "I must confess, I've been looking more and more forward to this meeting."

The man behind the desk was suddenly taller, paler, with disturbingly smooth skin and a face that looked more snakelike than human. In shock, Vernon realized what he was facing.

"You...You're a bloody wizard!" He shouted, his anger causing him to not notice the sound of slithering behind him.

"Indeed, I am Lord Voldemort, and you…"

"I don't care who you are!" Vernon interrupted furiously. "What are you doing here? Your kind are supposed to stay away from decent people! It's the law!"

"Law?" For a moment, Voldemort had been taken aback at being interrupted, but with this pronouncement by the fat little man in front of him became amused. "Really?"

Something about the way the wizard in front of him hissed those last two words finally caused the lizard part of Vernon's brain kick into high gear and remind the rest of him that he was in a room with a wizard, or rather, that he was alone in a room with a wizard. A terrifying wizard who was looking at him with a look of mingled loathing, utter contempt, and anticipation.

Spinning, Vernon attempted to get to the door but he tripped, falling to the floor. Momentarily stunned, he rolled over and tried to scramble away - but his legs seem tangled in something. Then he saw what his legs were tangled in.

A snake. The biggest snake Vernon Dursley had ever seen, ever imagined, had wrapped itself around his legs, and was continuing to entwine itself higher and higher around his body. At this point, Vernon's body attempted to run, to curl up into a ball, to scream, to call for help, to throw up, to void it's bowels, to gibber in terror - but since doing all these things at once is impossible, his body simply locked up, becoming stiff as a plank.

At least for a moment, because looking down at him Voldemort hissed, "Now, now, be careful Nagini." A giggle starts creeping into the Dark Lord's voice, "Remember, we cannot harm our employee after all."

Nagini hisses in reply as she continues to wrap herself around the frozen muggle. Nodding happily at her, Voldemort returns his attention to Dursley. "Now then, Vernon...I can call you Vernon, can't I? Good. As you were thinking outside - Oh, has your nephew mentioned that wizards. Can. Read. Minds?" This last bit of information is imparted with a snarl as Voldemort's face twists in rage, but then he composes himself.

"But I digress." Leaning down, Voldemort puts his face near Vernon's. "Vernon, as you were thinking, a thieving orphan like me has little knowledge of how a 'Holding Company' operates and I require someone to teach me. Congratulations, I have chosen you to fulfill this important role." Reaching out, Voldemort traced a finger down Vernon's face, by now the only part of him not entwined in Nagini's coils, "This, of course, means we will be working closely together for quite some time."

Vernon's body finally unlocked a bit and he….

* * *

><p>Out in the waiting area, Albert handed Narcissa a cup of coffee, before he paused. There was no sound, the silencing charms on the office walls precluded that, but there was a vibration. As if there had been a high-pitched, girlish scream of such volume that it rattled the walls.<p>

"No harm?" Alfred said with a smile and a slight questioning tone.

"No harm at all," replies a smirking Narcissa, sipping her coffee.

* * *

><p>"So Ron," Harry began slowly as his best friend sat in the chair next to his bed in the Hospital Wing, "how's married life?"<p>

Ron had been reading Harry the Quidditch scores for the Chudley Cannons, and in an effort to not make himself any more depressed Harry decided he wanted to change the subject. Ron looked a bit disappointed at not being able to talk sports, but that faded into a dreamy smile as he thought about his wife.

"She's... Brilliant Harry," Ron said happily. "I mean, she actually listens and when we talk we really... Really talk, ya know? Like, she knows how I feel without me saying anything!"

Harry nodded with a smile. "I'm glad to hear it... I mean, Luna's something else but I like her a lot."

Ron gave him a glare. "Like her... How much?"

Harry blinked. He would have held his hands up but Madam Prompfrey had told him motor control would return to him soon, so he decided not to risk her wrath. "Er... As a friend? And kind of sister-in-law, I guess?"

Ron relaxed a bit, and smiled. "Good! I mean... Er... Not that I'm jealous or anything!"

"I didn't say you were," Harry said slowly. Ron scowled.

"What, you think I'm worried about you stealing my wife?"

"I'm not worried about that either, Ron!" Harry insisted. Ron held a hand over his face and groaned.

"I... Yeah, sorry mate," Ron said. "I just... Neville admitted he fancied Luna."

"Ah," Harry said, nodding. "And he... Admitted it?"

"He was jealous of me," Ron said, blinking a few times. "I mean, that's never happened before!" He looked over at Harry with a shrug. "I mean, really! Usually it's... It's me who is the jealous one."

"That you admit that means Luna's clearly a miracle worker," Harry joked. Ron scowled.

"Oi! Besides, you're one to talk! A harem of witches? Why shouldn't I be worried about you snapping her up?"

"Because I'm your best friend? And besides, it isn't all roses," Harry said. "I mean, the way they... They fight over me." He shook his head. "And you two love each other. Why would I spoil that?"

Ron blushed brilliantly. "Er... Well... We kind of..."

Hermione walked in at that moment, and Ron seized upon the opportunity to divert attention from his embarrassment. "Hermione! You're looking great!"

"You too Ron," Hermione said with a smile. She shook her head. "Honestly though, what were you thinking? Pulling out a four century old mechanized weapon like that?"

Ron grinned. "Did your research on it, didn't you?"

Hermione flushed. "Shut up!" She hissed. "It was never relevant to any of our classes until now, nor our lives!"

"Lay off her Mister Lovegood," Harry said. Ron gave him a scowl, but he did get Hermione to laugh and that was a nice tradeoff.

"It doesn't work that way!" Ron protested.

Hermione sat on the other side of Harry's bed, sighing as she rested a hand over his. "Seriously though, I am glad you're both all right," she said. She shook her head. "That was... Terrifying. How long will it take for you to recover?" She asked Harry. Ron was rubbing his recently healed hand with a bit of a grimace. Harry sighed.

"Looks like I'm stuck here for a few weeks," he said. Ron huffed.

"Weeks?! That's bollocks!" Ron smiled cheerfully. "On the other hand, it does get us all away from the craziness outside for a while... I mean, giant Inferi, Dementor attacks, Malfoy running a potato crisp factory... What next?"

"Who knows?" Harry suggested. "Maybe we got the craziness of this year out of the way early so the rest of the time will be quiet and boring. You've gotta admit, that has possibilities."

"There is that," Ron admitted. He grinned. "Yeah! This won't be so bad!"

"Potter?" Pansy's voice floated through the door to the Hospital Wing. "I've been employed as a nurse for you, tell me..." And here she entered in a skimpy nurse's costume with bare garters and stockings underneath a very, very tiny skirt. She cocked the little nurse's hat on her head with a sexy smirk. "How is this uniform?"

Ron stared in disbelief. He looked at Harry. His best friend's face was bright red. Hermione, on the other hand, was just as red... But the look on her face was distinctly not disbelief.

"... You jinxed us, Ron," snarled Hermione.

* * *

><p><strong>And thus, the story continues… Maybe a bit disorganized and confused in some sports, but what do you expect from a Round Robin?<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**The Hand Bites Back**

**A Harry Potter fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon and Others**

**Disclaimer: This is a non profit fan based parody. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Time Warner. Please support the official release.**

* * *

><p><em>Next Chapter… As part of my continuing efforts to make Ron Weasley not suck...<em>

* * *

><p>"I'm telling you, Neville, you need to relax," Ron said to his friend, as he and Luna visited their friend in St. Mungo's. The room was pretty nice, filled with Get Well cards, flowers and naked pictures of thankful girls. Ron's eyes drifted to them for a moment, but realized they weren't nearly as interesting or attractive as his wife. Neville must have come to the same conclusion, as he didn't even give the pictures a second glance.<p>

"Yes," Luna said cheerfully, also examining one of the naked pictures. "Your Talos is being repaired, and you may yet get the Order of Merlin: First Class for your heroic efforts." Luna smiled. "But they're confused as to who to give it to between you, me, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Not-Auror Yuri, Not-Auror Enola, Not-Auror Sayako..."

"Why can't they just give us ALL Orders of Merlin?" Neville asked flatly. Luna held two pictures of naked girls up, comparing them with a hum. Ron sighed.

"The printing dealio is busted. It runs on something from the Muggle World and with the embargo and all-"

"Not the dealio!" Neville groaned. "I heard so much about the dealio! Is it really covered in thingamabobs?"

"The shiniest thingamabobs in the wizarding world," Luna said with a reverent expression on her face. "And a doodad nine cubits high."

Neville frowned in confusion. "Cubits?"

"They have to use cubits. It's the only way to express it. The charms on it don't allow you to use metric or Imperial measurements," Luna said.

"Those are some strong charms," Ron said with a smile. "I mean, you're a hero! So you should relax!"

"Does Harry ever relax?" Neville asked dryly. Luna compared a few more pictures, including several upside down. Ron grinned.

"Sure he does! Like, when he plays Quidditch... Or lays around the common room... Or does all sorts of... Of..." Ron waved his hands. "Point is! He relaxes! You need to relax!"

"You haven't even relaxed with any of these pictures," Luna said. Neville blushed, and averted his eyes. Ron blinked.

"Eh? Wait... I mean, even I think this is wank material and... Ah..." He looked at his wife, who was smiling. "I-I mean, not that I need it-!"

"It's okay Ron," Luna said cheerfully. "A number of these girls look wankable to me. Would you like to help me figure them out?"

Ron turned bright red. He slowly looked over at Neville. "Uh... Neville...? I kind of need to... Um... Have the room. For a few-"

"Hours?" Luna asked.

"... This is _my_ hospital room," Neville said flatly. "Where I'm recovering. From _saving_ you guys."

"Please Neville?" Luna asked. "It would just be so inconvenient to move all these naked pictures to another room with a bed?" She held her hands together in front of her breasts. "And you've recovered, your chart said so. And I haven't been intimate with Ronald for two days. It's very frustrating."

Ron gave Neville a pleading look. It was so pathetic it reminded Neville of the looks his Gran's Hippogriff would give him for food. That it was his friend and his wife... Who was his crush...

Merlin's balls this sucked.

Neville groaned, and rubbed his face. He slowly stood up, and pulled on a robe. He headed out of the hospital room. The door slammed shut behind him, as Luna giggled. He sat outside the hospital room on a bench. A Mediwitch shuffled by, talking to another Mediwitch.

"Can you believe it? Bellatrix Lestrange just ups and vanishes!"

"Just goes to show you how the Ministry handles everything else," the other Mediwitch snorted. "So, is she loose?"

"No, nobody knows where she went! Those foreign aurors were holding her, maybe they got rid of..." The conversation trailed off as the two mediwitches rounded the corner, but it was enough to depress Neville further.

_Great... Well..._ He narrowed his eyes. _Just means I'll have to kill her myself... With my giant robot... Once it's repaired..._

"Hey... I'm looking for an... Stick Y. Wand...?" Asked a female voice. She sighed in disgust. "Ugh! I can't believe I fell for that!"

Neville looked up and saw an extremely attractive black haired girl, a few years older than him. She had a white streak in her hair, and was wearing a cute delivery girl outfit with a paper hat. In one hand, she held a pizza box. Neville blinked.

"Huh?"

She sighed and looked over at him. She tilted her head. "Oh, hey. I'm with Kahuna Pizza. I'm supposed to deliver this pizza but I guess it was just a prank." She sighed and sat next to him. "I guess that's just what the new girl gets, huh?"

"I'm sorry about that," Neville said earnestly. "Uh... Pizza?"

"Pureblood, right?" The girl asked with a teasing smile. Neville flushed.

"I, uh, yeah... You?"

"No idea. My past is fuzzy. I lost all my memories in some accident." She frowned. "The doctors say I might recover them eventually... But for now, I'm just working to make ends meet. Until I can figure something else out, I guess..."

Neville frowned. He impulsively reached out and squeezed her hand. She started and looked up at him. He smiled at her.

"Hey... We all have problems now. But it's easier to share them with friends, isn't it?"

"Are... We friends?" The girl asked. Neville flushed.

"If... If you'd like to be," he said. "Uh... I'm Neville. What's your name?"

"Trixie," she said with a smile.

* * *

><p>The Gryffindor Common Room had become their regular meeting place after Harry and his friends had taken up residence in the castle. And as a result, with her bossy nature, Hermione soon had them all doing drills. Almost immediately after Ron and Luna got back from visiting Neville, as a matter of fact.<p>

"I don't see why we have to do this crap," Ron grumbled. "It's summer!"

"And we just got done with a massive battle, Ron," Hermione lectured. "We don't stop practicing! We're not just students anymore!"

"Yeah, but there has to be a little time for relaxation, right?" Asked Ron. Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"You mean, what you and Luna are up to?"

Ron flushed deeply. "Uh…" He looked over at his wife, who was already taking her place at a nearby table. "Well…"

"Oh Hermione, we do that after doing that," Luna said brightly. "Don't you know?"

"No, and I don't want to know," Hermione said quickly. "Let's just focus on this lesson, all right?" She smiled and pointed over at Harry. "See? Harry's already doing it!"

"_Animas Anthropos_," Harry muttered, pointing his wand at a pile of scraps on the table before him. The pieces slowly rose and assembled into a recognizably humanoid shape, and Harry maintained his concentration on the construct.

Ron sighed. "Fine…"

He sat down next to Harry, and began to to copy the wand movements and incantation on a pile of junk he grabbed from his pockets.

_"Animas Anthropos… Animas Anthropos_...! Oh come on, _Animas Anthropos_!" Ron shouted, slapping his wand against the debris. It rose up into a cloud of debris, shooting into his eyes as though offended. Ron yelped, and covered his eyes. "GAH! BOLLOCKS!"

"Ron!" Hermione admonished, sitting at her own table alongside Luna, "language!"

"I... Am a married man, I can say what I bloody well want to!" Ron hissed. Luna smiled softly.

"I cannot really argue with that," Luna said. Ron grinned and smirked at Hermione, happy to have someone on his side in an argument. Hermione huffed.

"Well, hitting the debris isn't going to help you either, is it?" She shot back. She shook her head. "Honestly! It's like you don't even want to learn the spell!"

"Of course I want to learn the spell!" Ron barked back, his ears turning red in anger. "But it isn't easy!" He pointed to Harry, who was refraining from the argument and focusing entirely on his construct. "He can't even get it to move!"

"He's still got it down," Hermione huffed. "You're just not paying attention!"

"I... I bloody well am!" Ron growled. "Just because you're a superbrained freak who can learn it in a second-!"

"It's called _dedication_! You can't expect someone to have a bloody Talos to protect yourself with next time, can you?" Hermione shot back. Ron snarled.

"Hey! Without me, none of you would be here and alive right bloody now!"

"Oh Merlin's tits, are you still arguing?" Pansy sighed, entering the Gryffindor common room. She had taken to staying in the tower with the rest of the group, unwilling to stay down in the dungeons alone. "It's a wonder you get anything done at all, if you have to deal with the Load."

"The... The Load?" Ron asked with a scowl. Pansy smirked, and shrugged.

"Isn't that what you called him, Hermione? _The_ Load?" Pansy asked sweetly. Hermione gasped, her cheeks turning red.

"I... No! That was a moment of weakness and-!"

"Ron, Hermione, calm down," Harry said, getting into the argument as he saw Ron was turning bright red. It was too late, however, as the youngest Weasley son began to yell.

"WELL IF YOU THINK I'M SO BLOODY USELESS, MAYBE I'LL GO BE A LOAD SOMEWHERE ELSE!" Ron bellowed. He kicked over the desk and stormed past Pansy, going out through the portal door. Hermione began to yell at Pansy, as Harry intervened, but Ron couldn't care less. He just stormed off, walking and walking until he was outside. He found a stone bench and sat on it, prepared for a good, long sulk.

A small hand touched his, and he looked up to see Luna smiling down at him.

"Hello husband," she said. Ron grumbled, and looked down.

"You should be learning the spell," he huffed. Luna sat with him on the bench, and waved her wand over a small pile of rocks and sticks. They jumped up into a humanoid form, and began a silly jig. Ron watched this sullenly, and sighed as he looked down at the ground.

"Hermione does like to show off a lot," Luna said kindly, "but only because she feels she has to fight for every bit of respect. She was a lonely child growing up, you know. Isolated because of how smart she was."

"Well it's not like I don't bloody respect her," Ron said. "I-I just..." He grumbled, and crossed his arms over his chest. Luna smiled and hugged him. The redhead sighed, feeling much lower than before. "I guess... Maybe... I kind of have..."

"A similar problem?" Luna asked, tilting her head. Ron nodded.

"Yeah... Like, I want to be... Ya know... Great at class, or a prankster, or... Something. But all I've got that sets me apart is... Well..." Ron sighed. "Harry."

Luna chuckled softly, and ran her fingers through his hair. "Ronald... What you have is you. And I love you."

Ron started, and stared up at her. "I... R-Really?"

Luna nodded. "Yes."

"But... But why?" Ron asked in disbelief. "I-I mean, I'm not good at anything-!"

"You're kind. You're generous. You're brave, when you have to be. You are my husband, and I saw you at your best, and at your worst," Luna said. She kissed his cheek, making him blush. "I love you for being you, Ronald. Otherwise, I wouldn't love you. Because you wouldn't be you, you'd be someone else."

Ron sighed, and rubbed his cheek. "I just... I wish I could see what you see in me." He sighed. "Merlin, I can never get anything right unless..."

"Unless?" Luna prompted. Ron sighed.

"Unless it... It really counts, ya know? When it's just a rubbish class or an assignment I can barely do it! When it counts, I can! But that's when it counts."

"Like...?" Luna asked. Ron smiled.

"Like back in first year, when we faced that Troll... Or in second year, when I had to fly the car..." He made a face, "and confront those bloody spiders in the Forbidden Forest. Guh..."

"Hmmm..." Luna rubbed her chin. She then smiled. She took his hand, and stood up. "Ronald? We are going for a walk."

Ron blinked. "A walk?"

"Yes."

"Where?" Ron asked, as Luna began to lead him out of the castle. Luna smiled at him.

"The Forbidden Forest, of course."

Ron halted. "Now hang on a second, I can't just-!"

"Where we can make love in any way you wish," Luna said kindly. Ron blinked.

"... Okay!"

"Good," Luna said with a nod and a smile.

* * *

><p>The Forbidden Forest looked a little better in the summer, Ron supposed. It wasn't entirely dark and depressing, like it was in the Fall or Winter. There were even flowers sprouting from a number of trees, and a unicorn lapping peacefully at a small brook they had to cross. Luna approached the unicorn, and Ron hung back, remembering his classes with Hagrid. He watched his wife stroke the unicorn, and sighed as he leaned against a nearby tree. This was pretty nice, he supposed. Being out in nature with his wife, just appreciating the flowers and unicorns and...<p>

There was a rumble of a familiar engine, and Ron perked up. "Huh?" He looked around. The unicorn galloped off, as Luna turned to look in the same direction. Ron walked towards the engine growl, and listened. He was rewarded with another engine growl, and he peered through some bushes. Luna kneeled down next to him, pressing her face against his to look as well.

"Hey... My car!" Ron said. It was the Anglia, all right-Just even more busted up than before. Cracks were all over its metal body, the last of the windows had been blown out, and the tires... One of them, anyway, was flat. The car was growling a bit, warbling off like a sick bird. Ron frowned, as Luna rose.

"Luna, wait-!"

She stepped out of the bushes and walked up to the ailing car. It growled at her, and shook its battered doors like a cat trying to make itself look bigger. Luna stepped closer. Ron got up and walked up, getting in front of Luna.

"Hey, hey! Calm down," Ron said with a glare. "Don't make me bust you up even more than you are!"

The car quieted, still growling low. Luna rested a hand on his shoulder.

"Ronald... Look," Luna said, pointing near the front of the car. "It can't move."

Ron looked as well, and winced. "The bloody axel... Oh man... What did this to you?" He shook his head, stepping closer. The car growled, but Luna held up her hands.

"It's all right," Luna said softly. "You know him, right? You remember him? Don't be afraid."

The car quieted. Ron sucked in a breath, and stepped up to the heavily damaged Anglia. He looked into the cabin, and winced-The flight gear looked like it had been destroyed. He checked under the gaping bonnet-It wasn't in much better shape there, either.

"Can you fix it?" Luna asked, gently stroking the car's bonnet. It continued to growl, but at a much lower tone. Ron sighed, and rubbed the back of his head.

"I might... I mean, I watched my dad charm it and work on it." Ron smiled. "He actually showed me the spells... And we did some of the mechanical stuff together." He sighed, enjoying the remembrance of having his father completely to himself, and working on something they both loved. Luna smiled and nodded.

"It sounds lovely," she said. "Perhaps we can levitate it out?"

"I don't see why-" Ron began, but the car's engine roared. The horn barked, frantically, warningly. Ron yelped. "What the bloody hell is-?!"

And a giant spider pounced on the bonnet of the Anglia, slamming its forelimbs into the top and tearing it off with incredible strength. Ron cried out in horror, stumbling backwards as more spiders appeared. Luna drew her wand and fired off a few Stunners, but they soon began to overwhelm her.

"Ah! LUNA!" Ron shouted, as more spiders descended upon the Anglia. The car shrieked in what seemed to be pain and horror as the spiders began to tear it apart. Ron fell backwards over a log, trying to get his wand out of his pocket before a spider pounced on him. The hissing fangs filled his vision, and he screamed in fear...

He heard Luna crying out... And the grip on his wand tightened. He forced the giant spider back with one arm, barely avoiding the fangs. He yanked out his wand, and saw the Anglia as it was torn apart, still honking and shrieking...

He had an idea. He was rubbish with the form... But what if... He made the form happen himself?

"_ANIMAS ANTHROPOS_!" He bellowed, focusing with all his mind on the image of the car's pieces, himself, and saving Luna. The Anglia's parts shot into the air, scattering the spiders. The parts swirled around, and the spider atop him was shocked enough Ron kicked the horrible creature off and sprinted for the whirlwind of metal. He stood in the center, and locked his eyes on Luna as she was being covered in spiders. He held the wand upwards, and bellowed the spell again.

"_**ANIMAS ANTHROPOS!**_"

The pieces coalesced around him, and Ron hopped up on top of two metallic legs made out of parts of the Anglia's superstructure, as two arms composed of the axel and suspension formed at his fingertips. The engine block formed around him in a torso, still growling and roaring as the headlights locked into place on either side of his head. The metallic skin of the vehicle wrapped around the entirely of the new structure, offering protection and creating a metallic hood for Ron to peer out of. The doors attached to the back of the construct, resembling wings.

The spiders paused, looking up with their multiple eyes as the Anglia's engine roared, now in triumph. Ron snarled.

"GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU TWATS!" He bellowed, throwing a punch with the fist of the construct. He smashed one of the spiders into green paste, as the others swarmed him. He kicked, punched, and spun the construct around. He grabbed another and threw it into a part of the swarm, crunching and smashing his way to the pale form of his wife. Luna extended her hands and grabbed onto the construct's chest, as Ron shielded her with a giant arm. Luna lifted up her wand, and called out a spell that Ron couldn't make out over the engine roaring-But the spiders began to burst into flames and shriek as they ran. Another leaped for Ron's face-But a swing of his mighty fist, and the beast was slamming into the nearest tree.

The remaining spiders retreated, as the Anglia's horn blared in triumph and Ron whooped.

"YEAH! HAA! EAT IT, BLOODY BUGS! YEAH!" Ron yelled. "Luna! You okay?"

"I think I need some medical attention, but nothing too severe-" Luna began, but Ron grinned.

"Don't you worry! Car? Come on! Let's get back to the castle!"

He cradled Luna in his arms, as his car honked in affirmation. He lifted his arm up... And flipped a few switches in the inside of the construct. The Anglia lifted off, warbling a bit as the flight spells went into motion and carried them up over the trees. Ron grinned broadly, as he set course for the castle on the hills.

"By the way... Thank you for saving our lives," Luna said with a smile. She leaned over the engine block chest, and kissed his cheek. Ron flushed.

"... Hey! I did!" He threw up a fist of the Anglia-bot. "YEAH! WOO! EAT IT, HERMIONE! YEAH!"

"Ronald," Luna said flatly, "being disparaging towards our friends does not put me in the mood."

"Mood?" Ron asked. At the raised eyebrow of his wife, he coughed. "Oh... Um... Sorry."

"Just remember: Dramatic rescues alone do not ensure a good sex life," Luna lectured. She smiled.

"They do help a lot though."

* * *

><p>Ron stood outside the medical wing, as Hermione, Harry and Pansy waited with him. Madam Pomphrey had sent them out as she tended to Luna's injuries, and she did not want to be disturbed. Ron sighed and rubbed his cheeks, groaning a little.<p>

"Ron, that was... Wicked," Harry said with a grin. "I mean, that you did that!"

"And without any self-aggrandizing," Pansy observed wryly. Hermione glared at her, but Pansy shrugged. "I'm just saying, it isn't unheard of-"

"Yeah, but this time?" Ron said, with a smile, "I did it... Myself. So I don't... I don't have to make up for anything."

"Not a thing," Harry said with a grin, patting his shoulder. He glanced over at Hermione, who was still frowning. "Hermione?"

"I'm just..." She sighed. "It seems so... Coincidental."

"What?" Ron asked. Hermione gave him a wry look.

"Well yes. You just happened to come across the Anglia, and the Acromantulas?"

"Well... It isn't impossible," Ron said with a shrug. "What, you saying something was up? I swear, it happened just like I said!"

Madam Pomphrey stepped out, sighing. "Mister Weasley, your wife is all right. Just minor injuries, go on in."

Ron rushed past the nurse, and was soon at the bedside of Luna. Madam Pomphrey huffed about rudeness, before she turned and walked to her office. Luna smiled at him, as the rest of her friends gathered around her bed.

"Hello. I am expected to recover, which is comforting," Luna said. Hermione nodded.

"That's good to hear... But-"

"Luna, come on! It happened just like I said, right?" Ron asked eagerly. He glared at Hermione. "Some people here doubt my story!"

Luna smiled and brushed her husband's hair. "Ronald did indeed master the spell, and got us out of there. He was wonderful."

"We didn't doubt it for a second, right Hermione?" Harry asked, giving an evil eye to his best friend. Hermione sighed, and smiled. Pansy snorted.

"I think we should leave them alone," Pansy said wryly. "They probably have all sorts of snogging to catch up on."

"And shagging, too," Luna said cheerfully. Hermione blushed, as Pansy chuckled. Harry pushed the two girls out, giving Ron and Luna a final grin. Ron returned it, and Luna smiled back softly. Once they were gone, Ron turned and gave Luna a relieved smile.

"Thank you Luna."

Luna blinked.

"For what?"

"For... Well..." Ron rubbed the back of his head. "I... I mean..." He looked over his shoulder to check if Hermione was really gone, and looked back to his wife. "I mean... Hermione figured it out... But... Um..."

Luna blinked her large eyes at her husband, several times. Ron sighed.

"What I mean is... You didn't have to go to all that trouble just to set up... Ya know... The Anglia and all."

Luna hummed. "You mean... You believe I set up the Anglia and the spiders as a means of manipulating you into discovering your true ability and thus saving us?"

Ron coughed. "Well... I mean... How else could it have happened?"

"Other than purely random chance? Or perhaps I am in fact a seer, allowing me to predict the future?" Luna asked. Ron gawped at her.

"Wha-You can?! You are?!"

"No Ronald, I was kidding," Luna sighed, poking him in the forehead. Ron blushed.

"Oh..."

"It would be nice, but becoming a seer tends to lead towards a loss of sanity at a young age, and I'd much prefer to retain my sanity until I no longer require it," Luna said firmly. "And so I am not insane enough to deliberately lure you, my husband, into a dangerous situation where you would have to face your greatest fear and overcome it to save us." Luna shook her head. "Do you think I'm that bad a wife?"

Ron blinked a few times. "Then... I really did that?"

"Yes. And you can really do that. Even if I'm not being attacked by giant spiders," Luna said. She squeezed his hand. "If you're willing to."

Ron laughed a little, and hugged Luna tightly. "Okay... Okay..."

"Besides," Luna said, "if I really did know the future, then that would mean I have done nothing to change circumstances to one more favorable to our situation. I would feel like the worst person alive if I did that. Or perhaps this is the best set of circumstances of all, and my ability to see the future is entirely instinctive. Or perhaps I am able to perceive different timelines altogether with minor differences..."

Ron sighed as his wife continued to prattle on. Well... As far as marriages went, this? This was actually turning out great.

And could always be worse. He could be married to Hermione. Or Parkinson. Or (as Harry's luck seemed to be running), both...

* * *

><p><em>A quick chapter put up. Hopefully regular updates will be coming on a weekly basis.<em>


	3. Chapter 3

**The Hand Bites Back**

**A Harry Potter fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon and Others**

**Disclaimer: This is a non profit fan based parody. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Time Warner. Please support the official release.**

* * *

><p><em>This section written mostly by Scriviner and myself. But hey, Capitalist!Draco needs some love.<em>

* * *

><p>Percy Weasley looked at the door, as if it had eyes and was staring right back at him. He'd been standing there for several minutes, he felt like he knew everything about the door and could make another even without magic.<p>

Fudge's receptionist had finally noticed him a few seconds ago and then had gone back to her Witch Weekly completely uncaring. Not having noticed the armament he had with him, not realising what line he was about to do.

He took a deep breath, I am going to do this damn it! he thought. I am not going to let this go on any longer, I am not going to keep being 'Weatherby'! He glared at the door gathering his Griffindor nerve.

He had sworn he never do this, give into the part of himself he hated. Be the child his Mum wanted, but attempting to do that had destroyed his relationship with his family. Caused him to break up with the woman he loved. Destroyed my fucking life!

And all because of my own stupidity and following Fudge like a Pygmy Puff going off a cliff! he savagely screamed in his head. He had gone to the shop he had sworn to never go, already his parents likely knew and were wondering what the hell was going on.

But he was not going to take it any more. Finding that horror put on his desk about him being in a relationship with the toad ... he shuddered. And then his will hardened and he raised his wand the door and cast.

It exploded into self replicating glowing soap bubbles that went through all of the colours of the rainbow, he'd studied Fred and George's Wildfire Wiz-bangs and taken them and improved them easily into a spell. There would be replicating bubbles in the ministry for weeks at the very least.

"Time to be the prankster I always wanted to be," he whispered before striding into Fudge's office with the completely surprised idiot gaping like a fish behind his desk. "Minister Moron, I QUIT!" Percy shouted as he entered the fireworks attached to each arm holsters firing in and then exploding into harmless light that chased Fudge out of the office.

Percy followed dropping an upgraded Portable Swamp in the office as he ran after Fudge an instrument of pranking. With the Aurors gone and everyone else thinking they were halucinating no one stopped him as he chased Fudge all the way to the bottom of the ministry via the north stairs and then all the way up the south stairs.

Till he ended up in the atrium, the fountain still unrepaired as Fudge fell into it. Covered with the tentacles, green slime, medusa like hair, polka dot spots and sparkling dust while he breathed a harmlessly foul green fog out of his mouth that would lead to bad breath jokes for years.

Fudge was spent as he wheezed like a one hundred a day smoker in the pool. Percy looked at him and he then threw a Portable Swamp Plus grenade into the pool. It turned the pool into a swamp but also activated a Percy Weasley special - a Mocking Scarecrow.

The Mocking scarecrow wrapped around Fudge and held him up on a pole in the middle of what used to be the fountain. Dressed in raggedy farm clothes and with conjured crows circling him Fudge glared at Percy.

"Let me down at once Weatherby!" Fudge bawled like a five year old having a tantrum after he had his breath back, as everyone not Fudge or Percy in the room just watched with sheer confusion as if they had fallen into an alternative universe.

"My Name, Is Percy Weasley you idiot." Percy spat at him "And let's just say Weasleys don't undo our pranks if Mum doesn't send a Howler screaming at us." A wistful smile formed on his face as he wondered what it would have been like to have had a Howler from her, "And I'm betting she's going to be smiling at this turn of events so that's unlikely."

"Now, if you'll excuse me I have lots to do." He grinned savagely, "So many deserving people to prank."

He then turned away throwing modified Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder over his shoulder that his glasses could see through, it covered him and only him in a shroud of darkness. Then he put on an upgraded Headless hat and went invisible, strolling away singing in his head Weasley is our King as he headed for emergency evacuation stairs.

* * *

><p>Hermione smiled brightly, wiping her forehead free of sweat. She turned around, giving a thumbs up to Pansy, Ron, Harry (who was still in his hospital bed) and Luna.<p>

"Right! I am ready to present my brilliant plan!" She waved her wand and a board appeared in mid-air. It had numerous cut out pictures, newspaper articles, and strings connecting the pictures to form an elaborate and colorful web.

"Our brilliant plan," Pansy said flatly. Harry blinked. Ron stared in mild disbelief. Luna was toying with Hermione's phone, studying it intently.

"Er… Hermione," began Ron, "what's with the board covered in photos? And notecards?"

"She said it was some kind of Muggle thing," Pansy said. Hermione huffed.

"Look: I got to make so many interesting presentation boards when I was in primary. And I couldn't make any here in Hogwarts, so damnit I am going to have my board and you are going to appreciate it!"

"I appreciate it," said Harry quickly. Hermione smiled.

"Thank you Harry."

"Suck up," Ron grumbled. Harry glanced at his friend.

"You want to piss her off?" He asked slowly. Ron sighed and rubbed his temples.

"ANYWAY," Hermione said angrily, "this is our plan." She pointed her wand at a picture of Cornelius Fudge, who was making faces at Harry. "Cornelius Fudge is on his way out. We have three likely choices of a successor." She pointed at a picture of a graying man who resembled an old, proud lion. "Rufus Scrimgeour, head of the Auror Office."

"Political opportunist, has been jockeying for Amelia Bones' job, plays both sides against the middle, arsehole," Pansy supplied. Ron and Luna looked over at her. She shrugged. "My father's words. And I've met him."

"We therefore conclude he would not be the best choice for a successor to the position of Minister of Magic," said Hermione, scowling a bit at Pansy's interruption. "Next up…!"

She pointed to a picture of Shacklebolt, whom Harry of course knew from the Order of the Phoenix.

"Shacklebolt has a great deal of political support, thanks to his ties to Dumbledore," Hermione said. "But that will probably hurt a lot with those on the fence of supporting him."

"But why would they stick with Malfoy? They know he's working with Voldemort," Harry protested. Pansy sighed and patted Harry's shoulder.

"Yes, but they'd be too afraid to oppose him. Don't you have any political instincts at all, Harry?"

"Seriously, he's like a babe in the woods," Ron said, shaking his head.

"Not even any awareness of the heliopath uprising, or the Rotfang conspiracy," Luna said, shaking her head as well.

"He's so naive. It's kind of cute, actually," Pansy said, kissing the top of Harry's head. Hermione scowled, and Pansy just smirked as she slowly pulled away from the grumbling Boy-Who-Was-Now-Embarrassed.

"Okay, so… Unless we eliminate a lot of people and do a lot of dealing and wheeling, that's no go," muttered Harry.

"Eliminate?" Ron asked, uneasily.

"He's already progressing to political assassination! I'm so proud," Pansy cooed.

"That's not what I meant!" Harry said quickly. Luna pouted.

"So we aren't going to reap a bloody vengeance upon the Wizenmagot and end their tyranny over the Wrackspurts?" Luna asked. "I made these masks for nothing." She held up a pure white mask with a black beard drawn on. Hermione scowled.

"Luna, what's that?"

"An Oliver Cromwell mask," she said.

"Shouldn't it be a Guy Fawkes mask?" Asked Harry. The Pureblood witches and wizard stared at him in confusion.

"Why would it be a Guy Fawkes mask?" Ron asked.

"Oliver Cromwell was the guy who tried to overthrow the wizenmagot the last time," Pansy said.

"But… But…" Tried Harry. "But-!"

"Not everything is about Guy Fawkes, Harry," said Hermione disapprovingly. "Now let me finish!"

"Sorry," Harry mumbled.

"Which leads us to our most likely candidate, and probably the easiest to get on our side," Hermione said, pointing out a familiar looking Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. "Amelia Bones."

"Why would she be more acceptable?" Harry asked. "I mean, she was basically the only one who was fair to me at my trial…"

"She often opposes Dumbledore, and Malfoy at the same time," said Pansy. "So she's seen as someone who can get both sides on hers." She smiled smugly. "That, and she is the one who went over Fudge's head to get the foreign Aurors into Little Whinging."

"Essex Aurors," Ron said with a wry smile.

"I met one from York, she was nice," Luna said, still wearing the mask.

"Speech impediment and all," Ron asked. Luna nodded.

"Mm, yes."

"And of course, Susan Bones is in the DA, and Hermione Granger's best female friend," Pansy concluded. "So clearly, the only thing to do is for Harry to seduce Susan Bones and convince her to get Amelia that she has our support."

"HOW DOES SEDUCING HER IN ANY WAY HELP OUR PLAN?!" Hermione shrieked, face red. "THAT'S RIDICULOUS!"

"I kind of have to agree," Harry said, cheeks bright red. Pansy smiled.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Not… To me," Ron said.

"That's no surprise," Pansy snorted.

"It isn't obvious to me, either!" Hermione growled. Pansy shrugged, smiling like the sun.

"It makes you freak out, and Harry blush cutely. Mission accomplished!"

"Good work," Luna said, as Hermione snarled.

* * *

><p>Draco had stormed into the Ministry full of intent. He didn't exactly have a full plan of action, just a few thoughts, some hints, and several conversations with various ex-Aurors that they fully expected to keep working for him, since they'd already been paid. All of that and a galleon would've bought him a potato.<p>

Well, he had several hundred pounds of potatoes to reclaim from the Ministry and the full extent of his action plan boiled down to 'find someone to shout at, then keep shouting at them until they gave him what he wanted'. Maybe with a side-order of 'willing to bargain' and possibly 'threats of retaliation using trained former aurors'.

It was fortunate the Ginny had gone with him and that they'd been required to turn over their wands at the entrance to the Ministry, otherwise, she was worried that he would have started hexing people, given the temper he was in.

She stepped in front of him and stopped suddenly. She crossed her arms under her breasts and eyed him.

"You have no idea where we need to go, do you?" She said finally.

"... not as such." Draco admitted after a long moment. "I was intending to find the person who issued this document," He waved the scroll that was meant to have seized his company's assets. "Then basically scream at them until they got me their manager and sort of work my way up from there."

Ginny sighed, "I was hoping you had more of a plan than that."

"That is," He said with as much dignity as he could muster, "In fact, a plan."

"Look, I think we may need someone who's got some degree of expertise in dealing with bureaucracy." Ginny said. "Normally, I'd say we could ask my father."

"But he is currently very, very busy entertaining your charming mother." He said without a trace of irony.

Ginny winced, "I will thank you very much not to remind me that they are-"

"Currently working on another little Weasley?" Draco said teasingly.

Ginny covered her face with both hands. "Stop. Talking."

Draco snorted, "Well, with your father... otherwise occupied... where does that leave us as far as red tape expertise goes?"

"I suppose I can try asking Percy." Ginny said carefully.

"The one Weasley who actually doesn't like his family?" Malfoy sneered, "Brilliant suggestion."

Ginny growled then retorted hotly, "Do you have a better idea?!"

"As a matter of-" Draco began to say, thinking furiously as he tried to come up with something now that he'd been backed into it, but he was interrupted before he could outline his non-existent idea.

"Ah, Mister Malfoy, just the gentleman I was looking for." A dignified voice spoke from behind him.

Draco blinked, then looked back to find himself facing Amelia Bones. Former head of the DMLE and the front runner to become the Minister of Magic.

He sputtered to a stop, but then immediately recovered his manners, "Madam Bones, it's a pleasure."

She inclined her head, "Likewise. And your lovely companion?"

Draco, gestured to Ginny, stepping next to her, "I'm not certain if you've met Arthur Weasley's daughter. Ginevera Weasley."

Amelia allowed a small smile to curl the side of her mouth. Her eyes twinkled at a thought and suddenly the changes in young Mister Malfoy's behavior were suddenly less mysterious to her. Ahh... young love.

Her surmise that the changes in his behavior were the result of Draco's having fallen in love were, in fact correct. Less correct, however was who she believed he'd fallen in love with.

Draco felt vaguely put off by the amusement in the woman's face when he finally asked, "Did you require my assistance with anything?"

Ginny quirked an eyebrow, and met Draco's gaze. An unspoken communication passed between them that could best be read as, 'Now what?'

"As a matter of fact, there are some items of Ministry business that have unexpectedly intersected with your business interests that I believe will require your input." Madame Bones said carefully. "I was, in fact, just on my way to the Ministry Owlery to send you a personal invitation to schedule an appointment for a meeting, but if you have a few moments now..." She let her words trail off.

Draco stared, not certain how to respond. Or he did until a sudden sharp stamp on his toes by Ginny snapped him out of his surprise and he managed, through gritted teeth, to reply, "I do in fact have... er... a few minutes. Yes. I would love to know what you needed to discuss."

This earned him another stamp on the foot which he winced and added, "And if it is a matter of business, I'd like for my associate, Miss Weasley to join us. I don't know what I'd do without her." He added smoothly, earning him a smile from Ginny.

Amelia smiled once more. "By all means," She gestured. "My office is this way."

* * *

><p>Draco was in a bit of a quandry. He sat uncomfortably in one of the ministry approved visitors chairs next to Ginny. The chairs themselves were actually comfortable. The discomfort came from not quite knowing how to deal with the situation.<p>

He was somewhat certain he shouldn't have been in any trouble. But it was difficult to tell when the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement decided to pull you into her office for an impromptu meeting.

Then there came the matter of actual presentation. Draco wasn't sure how he should hold himself. By reflex, he was tending to straighten up, lift his chin and tend to look down his nose at her, just as his father might have, but he certainly didn't want to emulate the elder Malfoy. Draco wanted no part of the man or his twisted cause or his insane master. Sneering would probably have been even worse. He could have tried to slouch, perhaps, but he just didn't feel sufficiently at ease... or disrespectful enough to pull it off. So he tried to find someone else he might have wanted to emulate for the meeting and finally, settled on trying to be as dignified and unruffled as Fernando the Audi salesman.

All three of them settled into Madam Bones's office and her secretary brought in tea for everyone.

"Now, Mr. Malfoy," She began without further preamble, "I do not believe you were ever officially thanked for your actions in Little Whinging."

Whatever other scenarios Draco might have had running through his head about what the meeting would open up with, that hadn't even made it into the top twenty. "I... beg pardon?" He said, trying desperately to project cool and unruffled, but barely managing to project instead poleaxed.

Ginny winced, then smiled, reaching over to pat his hand before she replied on his behalf, "It was the least he could do."

"I..." Draco glanced over to Ginny who was raising her eyebrows in some pointed and obvious attempt at communication, but he was feeling slower than ever. "I... that is to say, well... it was nothing?" He replied uncertainly.

"No need to be so modest, Mr. Malfoy," Madame Bones continued, taking her monocle off her eye and polishing it idly with a handkerchief. "If it weren't for your quick, decisive action, everyone in that town would most likely have died."

Draco preened at that, "I simply did what anyone would have done," He said smiling a little.

"Oh, not at all. Mr. Potter and his friends, impressive magical strength and ancient artifacts aside might have dealt with the giant inferi directly, it was you who was actually able to marshal together a force at your own expense to protect the citizens caught in harm's way." She inclined her head and put the monocle back on. "For that, Mister Malfoy, you have my personal thanks."

"Well, I'd hate to be considered immodest..." Draco was practically purring, but then Ginny caught his eye. She flicked her glance down and he did as well, catching sight of the Badge they'd been issued when they'd entered the ministry. The purpose of their visit. 'Potato Retrieval'.

He caught himself then and realized that Madame Bones was actually engaging in distinctly Malfoy-ish activity. She was flattering him. It was just like how his father dealt with Fudge. Admittedly, his father tended to throw a bit more money around.

Merlin knew he could've used some of that.

He had really been inclined to let her keep at it, but Ginny had reminded him that this woman was part of the Ministry. The same incompetent Ministry that had robbed him of his hard-earned potatoes. He coughed and smiled. "That is to say, I am happy to have helped, Madame Bones, but I have to admit I am very curious as to the real reason you called for this meeting. It can't be just to thank me, can it?"

Madam Bones inclined her head once more and smiled. "The same perceptiveness that allowed you to see to the heart of the problem in Little Whinging and see a solution by hiring the striking elements of my Aurors as your own private security force."

"Madame, I know when I'm being buttered up." He narrowed his eyes, "You want the Aurors back. Now that whatever legal chicanery was pulled to try to force those men and women into the Ministry's hands has failed, you're fishing for a way to get them back directly."

"The 'chicanery' as you put it wasn't any of my doing, Mister Malfoy," Madame Bones replied, leaning back in her chair. "It was, in fact the voting block that your father has... influence over-"

"Bribes." Draco muttered.

"Quite. They claim that Severus Snape approached them and offered to turn over control of the assets involved in the incident at Little Whinging in return for various considerations."

"... considerations." Draco's voice had become a whisper.

"The Ministry is very much strapped for liquid assets, but still has control over land and various other properties. As I understand it, in return for the assets of the Prince Potato Crisp Corporation, Professor Snape is now the proud owner of a small estate in Kent."

"My potatoes?!" Draco roared, shooting to his feet.

"Yes, imagine everyone's surprise when it turns out that those 'assets' everyone assumed would be employment contracts for ex-Aurors, turned out to be nothing more than five tons of potatoes."

"I suppose we must have lost about a ton of them in the attack." Ginny stood up and put a hand on Draco's shoulder. She gave Madame Bones a tight smile, "He's still a little bit upset with the ministry about that."

"Well, on paper, the company was entirely owned by Professor Snape," Amelia said careful, "So legally he traded them to the Ministry and the Ministry took legal ownership of them."

"Those were my potatoes!" Draco growled. "Bought with the sweat of my brow..." He paused and added, "And the sweat of the brow of my workers. The ministry and that untrustworthy, lying, backstabbing- have no right to the fruit of my labors! Those are all I-" He glanced over at Ginny, "We have left after that same attack destroyed my factory! The same factory, I might add, that Snape allowed to remain destroyed in order to make money off of it. I am completely ruined!"

Madame Bones nodded slowly, "I see emotions are still quite high over the matter."

"Quite so." Draco responded frostily.

"In a way, I'd like very much to help you." She gestured to their badges which still said 'Potato Retrieval', "Do please, down. I'd like to explain."

Draco grumpily flopped back into his seat, his arms crossed. Ginny sat down more demurely.

"With Fudge on the way out, we've made overtures to the striking Aurors requesting that they return to work." Madame Bones said carefully. "Do you know what they told us?"

Ginny smiled, a little nastily. "That they work for us."

"Yes. Not the Prince Potato Crisp Company. They said specifically that they were employed by Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley." She continued. "There was no formal contract, but every single one that we spoke with pretty much told us that they didn't trust the Ministry-"

Draco snorted, "And little wonder there."

"- but that they did trust Draco Malfoy." Madame Bones continued as though Draco had not interrupted.

Draco stared in surprise. "Seriously?"

Ginny covered her mouth and tried to suppress her giggles.

That seemed to energize Draco and force him to pull himself together. He straightened up and looked the older Witch directly in the eye. "So we have your Aurors. You have our potatoes."

"Indeed," She replied.

Draco traded glances with Ginny. Draco's eyes were shining and eager, but Ginny's eyes narrowed shrewdly as she turned to look at Madame Bones. "You're proposing to trade us our own potatoes to get the Aurors to work for the Ministry again?"

Draco bit back a snarl at that. Put that way it sounded much less appealing. Worse, the one asset they did have... skilled professionals... being traded for something that they actually now had no use for. Without the factory or the equipment, what good was five tons of potatoes worth to them? He took a deep breath. "This seems supremely inequitable." He pronounced ponderously.

Amelia Bones raised an eyebrow and replied, "I also know you don't have any money to keep paying those Aurors. In a month's time when you can't pay their wages, we'll end up getting them back anyway."

"Except the Ministry won't have any money then either." Draco countered. "Not only that, you need MY Aurors now. You can't afford for the Ministry to try and operate without them. The few that stuck with you are simply not going to be able to cope."

Draco leaned back a small smirk playing on his features now.

"The Ministry isn't without assets now, Mr. Malfoy," Madame Bones shot back. "I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the fact of the matter is, your little venture with the potatoes and using them to pay the residents of Knockturn Alley has resulted in a very strange situation where the humble potato is now considered a relatively stable commodity for exchange."

"... you're kidding." Draco blinked in surprise.

"Don't tell me the Ministry is going to try and put us on a Potato Standard?" Ginny blurted out.

"Of course, the Goblins would never allow it," Madame Bones replied, "But at this precise moment, they're being heavily traded."

"And the Ministry is sitting on my potatoes." Draco finished darkly.

"Those are the Ministry's potatoes now, Mr. Malfoy," Madame Bones corrected him gently. "Legally they had belonged to Severus Snape who traded them to the Ministry for his own little Estate. Potatoes that a shocked and very annoyed Ministry are very eager to be rid of."

Draco frowned at that. If they were being traded as much as she'd said... well... he'd actually seen the beginnings of a potato trade in Diagon and elsewhere. If there was potential value to them now, this very moment before the bubble burst and people realized they were just potatoes and that he could actually get them in bulk lots at a fraction of the cost from the Muggle world... why would the Ministry want to get rid of them? Wouldn't they want to hold on to them until the price peaked and sell them off then?

Because they were politicians, He realized.

Ginny caught his eye again and she shrugged.

He grinned then turned to Madame Bones. "They don't know what the potatoes are worth, do they? They're desperate to get the Aurors back on the job and no one in the Wizengamot's got any idea that people are trading them for a galleon a spud!"

Madam Bones smiled thinly, "Quite so. After all, when was the last time you met an informed politician?"

"I believe I'm looking at one right now," Draco said, his grin turning grim.

Amelia smiled back.

Ginny put a hand on Draco's and said softly. "Obviously we don't want to lose what we have."

Draco blinked at the sudden contact then nodded. "Yes, yes. You're right." He turned his attention back to Madame Bones, "I do not believe we will be directly signing over the futures or well-being of our employees to the ministry. But I believe an agreement can be reached where you may hire our independent Auror force."

"For a reasonable fee." Ginny put in with her own smile.

"Which we are willing, just in this one instance," Draco added magnanimously, "To accept potatoes on at a yet to be agreed upon rate of exchange."

* * *

><p><em>And here we go...<em>


	4. Chapter 4

**The Hand Bites Back**

**A Harry Potter fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon and Others**

**Disclaimer: This is a non profit fan based parody. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Time Warner. Please support the official release.**

* * *

><p><em>Written with Scriviner and Randolph Carter.<em>

* * *

><p>They were in the Weasley kitchen not long after their trip to the ministry. There was planning to be done.<p>

"I swear you are going to wear a hole in the floor." Ginny said with an amused smirk.

"What possessed me to offer to hire out our Aurors to the ministry?!" Draco snarled, running his hands through his blonde hair. "I barely knew what I was doing running a potato chip business, now we're running a... a... an Auror for hire company all of a sudden?"

"Well, you managed pretty well with the chip business," Ginny pointed out, sipping the cocoa in her mug.

Draco stopped pacing long enough to glare at her, "I managed to end up with a destroyed factory and my potatoes stolen out from under me."

"And now we," She made an unsubtle point of emphasizing the word 'we', "Have them back." She held her mug up and added with teasing little cheer, "Yay, us."

"Potatoes we honestly have no use for," Draco grumbled. "I mean we have no factory, no equipment, the owner of the recipe's threatened us if we use it again... I don't even know where our employees ended up running off to..."

"Oh, on that note, Mister Malfoy, we do have everyone's contact information," A smallish girl with dark hair and wearing a black suit strode into the room carrying a clipboard with a quill tucked over one ear. "Including Floo addresses. We can probably get all our personnel, Aurors included, called together inside of an afternoon."

Draco stopped pacing and whirled on her. "Astoria Greengrass? What are you doing here?"

"I owled her on our way back from the Ministry." Ginny replied.

Astoria's gaze towards Ginny turned briefly worshipful before she caught herself and looked back down at the parchment on the clipboard.

"Which I suppose answers 'how' she knew to come here, but let me rephrase then. Why are you here?"

"Mistress Ginny said she needed my help." Astoria replied primly.

"Seriously?" Draco's expression was puzzled as he turned from the younger girl, then turned his full attention on Ginny.

"Look, we do need help getting this set up. Frankly she and Daphne were actually very well organized." Ginny asked Astoria, "Your sister decided not to join us?"

"My sister," Astoria's tones had become clipped and frosty, "After absconding with some of our corporate assets-"

Draco frowned, "Which ones?"

"- a sack of potatoes, Mister Malfoy." Astoria interrupted herself to reply. Her tiny little fists quivered with barely suppressed rage. "She brought them back to our family."

"Oh no." Ginny said softly.

"She stole from me?" Draco thundered.

Ginny shook her head, "That's not important. She actually went back to your family?"

"What do you mean 'not importa'-!" Draco would have continued, but the glare from Ginny silenced him unexpectedly.

Astoria sneered, "She owled me last night and said she managed to buy our family a few months with that sack. That same family that was ready to sell us both like cattle."

"Wait... months?" Draco blinked.

Astoria nodded. "A lot of people have been using them to live on. You can't conjure food, but if you've got an edible base material, you can transmute and expand it into something filling."

Draco snorted, "And it doesn't get much more base than a potato."

"Temporary results, but enough for people to get by on." Astoria continued.

"I thought our employees were reselling the potatoes we paid them with to buy other food." Ginny said.

"Oh, a lot of them do, but a more are using the potatoes as a staple." Astoria explained. "I mean, I saw some transfiguration masters offering to make a feast out of a potato for a share of the resulting food. A lot of people are calling them better than gold, cause at least you can eat them."

Ginny replied carefully, "Paying our people in potatoes is starting to look more and more financially feasible."

"It can't last long." Draco snorted. "This is all well and good, but Galleons are still the real means of exchange. The trading for it will only last for a while, I imagine."

Ginny eyed him, "You really think so?"

"I've listened in on enough of my father's rants about business to know how these work." Draco said with an old, familiar sneer on his face. "And long enough to know how the Goblins work. Mark my words, they aren't going to let potatoes displace the value of the galleons they have on-hand. If anything I imagine they're already working out some way to devalue the burgeoning potato market."

"I don't imagine Goblins would really care about Ministry dictates about the embargo..." Astoria said carefully. "I mean, it's not like anyone's got a way to check anymore. Only a couple of Aurors are actually still working and there just aren't enough to enforce it."

"We're actually possibly going to be doing something about that." Ginny replied.

Astoria's eyes widened, "Really? Is this the new business you were getting into?"

"Yes... and we've just been paid back in our own potatoes," Ginny added with a chuckle.

Draco had resumed pacing and finally said, "Potatoes that I imagine are not going to have a great deal of value for much longer. Not if the Goblins have anything to do with it. And the easiest way for the Goblins to cut the knees out from under the potato would be to buy them cheaply from the muggle world."

Ginny nodded. "Well, yes."

"Except no one's given them any muggle money in all this time?" Draco pointed out. "I mean, I'm sure they must have some muggle money, but most of their work is in Galleons." He added, still pacing. "Negative trade balance on their side right now. All galleons coming in. No muggle money."

"Is there any reason we couldn't sell those potatoes to them for Galleons?" Ginny replied.

Draco frowned in confusion, "What for? We need to get muggle money."

"Not for paying our Aurors we don't." Ginny explained slowly.

"... oh, right."

Astoria brightened up suddenly, "Shall I arrange for an appointment with the goblins, then?"

Ginny nodded, but Draco shook his head, "No, no... no need to deal with the filthy money-grubbing little vermin directly. They'll be using agents to buy up what potatoes they can without attracting attention to the fact that they are."

"Ah. That's actually easier, then." Astoria smiled. "I'll get the word out that Master Malfoy is looking for people buying potatoes."

"Eh?" Draco stared at her.

"Everyone's more than happy to help you, sir." Astoria said cheerily. "After Little Whinging, nearly everyone in Knockturn knows about the brave, good-hearted and generous Master Malfoy."

Ginny laughed openly at that.

Draco coughed, a bit of color coming to his cheeks, "In any case... that's the money side of the equation possibly settled. That still leaves how to actually run a private auror security company. Which none of us have any idea on how to do."

"Oh, hey guys..." Castor said sauntering into the kitchen, a towel around his well-muscled waist and another towel being used to dry his blonde hair, "I couldn't help but overhear. You're running a security company?"

Ginny choked, "Put some clothes on!"

Astoria colored, then immediately stepped forward, putting herself between the half-naked man and Ginny. "Who are you?!" She demanded, trying to shield Ginny from the sight of the man's glisteningly wet and very well-defined and tanned torso.

"Oh, hey, little lady." He said, smiling roguishly down at her, "Castor Tonks. Nice to meet you." He extended a hand, but Astoria simply gave it and his abs an evil glare.

"Clothes?" Ginny sighed, one hand over her eyes.

"Sorry, my clothes are still drying." Castor shrugged negligently. "I really didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you were talking a little loud. So... you guys own a mercenary company?"

Draco snorted, "I suppose you could call it that. What of it?" He asked imperiously.

"Well, by weird coincidence, I've actually got some experience in running one. Or at least working for one." Castor grinned. "Want some help?"

Draco blinked, then grinned back. "Let's talk."

* * *

><p>Cornelius Fudge was a conniving weasel of a politician, but even he recognized when he was up shite creek without a paddle, as the Muggles said. However, he was also an extremely petty man, and capable of delivering on vengeance within a number of powers available to him as a long time bureaucrat.<p>

At the moment, his target of vengeance was Harry Potter. Always, always with Harry Potter! The boy had helped him so much but his little performance over Little Whinging had shown just how impotent his administration was! Dumbledore had just sat back and laughed: The Potter boy was fighting the good fight despite everything he'd tried to do!

He sighed, leaning back in his chair. Looking through obscure rules and regulations was getting him nowhere. He honestly had nothing for it. Robards was about to announce his run for Minister to the public on the new Floo Access Channel-Something whipped up by those Weasleys and that Granger brat-that turned every Floo accessible fireplace into a means of projecting images and sound. That's all he needed-The Weasleys using the latest advance in spellwork to show what a shite minister he was. Incapable of protecting the realm-

He paused on that thought. Fudge slowly turned his head to look at a dusty bookshelf. He waved his wand and summoned a certain tome to him. He blew on the dusty jacket, producing a cloud of particles that made him cough. He flipped through the pages.

Where is it, where is it...? He paused on an entry about the Order of Merlin. He then grinned. This would be perfect! One of several acts he could commit to screw with Britain, and all his enemies! Bloody fools, he'd show them! He'd SHOW THEM ALL!

"Ha... Hahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Fudge cackled maniacally. His secretary paused at the sound coming from the doors, sighed, and turned around to return to her desk.

Either the Minister was having a fit or he was being killed by a Deatheater. Either way? It wasn't in her job description to care.

* * *

><p>Harry Potter's recovery was to the point he could actually go walking around the grounds of Hogwarts without too much supervision. A leisurely broom ride over the pitch helped clear his mind, and he swooped down to watch the ground fly by. He sighed, pulling up to swing lazily around the nearest stand.<p>

He spotted a redhead in the seats, and carefully he flew up just beside her. He grinned-He could put Hermione's plan into action right now.

"Hello Susan," Harry said. The redhead eeped, jumped, and looked over at Harry in shock.

"Oh! Hello Harry!" Susan said, smiling more calmly. "I'm sorry, you just scared me a bit!"

"I didn't think any students were supposed to be here," Harry said. Susan sighed and shrugged.

"Well, after Little Whinging my aunt wanted me somewhere safe... And during the school year I sometimes come out here to think, organize my thoughts," Susan said. She smiled shyly at him. "Care to sit with me? Or will one of your witches be unhappy about that?"

"They've been busy with a new project," Harry admitted, dismounting his broom and sitting next to Susan. "Something with the Weasley twins and Pansy's been helping out. I've actually had some time to myself."

"Oh?" Susan asked with a grin, leaning in. "For yourself... And...?"

"And... Myself?" Harry managed, blinking. Susan sighed, and nodded.

"I completely understand," Susan said. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."

"Uh... Sure," Harry said, blinking slightly. "So... What kinds of things do you think about out here?"

"Well, I usually organize various cases I follow," Susan said, producing a scrapbook. She opened it up, and showed several newspaper clippings, photos, and bits of paper. "I want to be an investigator like my aunt! So I've been practicing." She nodded, very seriously, and pointed out a page with a picture of the Patil Twins. "Did you know that the Patil Twins often switch places with each other, and no one is the wiser? Even on dates they will switch partners!"

"Seriously?" Harry asked, blinking. He wondered if that would explain anything to do with how things had gone at the Yule Ball. Or maybe he was just being an idiot back then too.

Susan nodded, very serious indeed. "Seriously! And Tracy Davis started cutting her hair short because she heard Dean Thomas likes short haired girls!"

"Tracy?" Harry asked. Susan nodded.

"Oh yes! And Michael Corner and Cho Chang have been involved in a love triangle over Justin Finch Finchly!"

"You mean Cho's been at the center of the... No?" Harry asked, blinking owlishly at the solemnly nodding Susan. "Huh! How'd you find that out?"

"I have my means," Susan said brightly. "I mean, I did figure out where you were staying, didn't I? And that thing with you, Tonks, Pansy and Hermione." She winked. "I had help from Hannah though! She's always willing to help me on my investigations!"

Harry whistled. He had to admit, that was kind of impressive. And with how Susan and Hannah had handled themselves in the DA and during the battle, he was feeling kindly inclined towards the beautiful Hufflepuff. After all, she was one of Hermione's few female friends. That didn't happen easily.

With how chaotic things were, it might be best to bring her into the group. Ron, Luna, Ginny and Neville were all up to speed. Working together with Pansy and the twins, they'd done some amazing things. And with the Hat... Harry nodded. He didn't know what their group was going to do, but he knew they would need allies. Ones with talent.

"I think we could use you, Susan," Harry said very seriously. Susan blinked. Harry smiled at her. "I mean, with what Pansy and Hermione and I have going on."

Susan blushed brightly. She curled a bit of her hair around a finger, looking aside. "You... You think so?"

"Yeah! I mean, you're more than qualified," Harry said. "You're powerful, you're smart, you're connected-And frankly, I think being passive in this thing is just going to make things worse. So I'm going to go on the offensive." He rested his hand on her shoulder. "Put it all on the line, and get things done! And build a real future."

Susan was nearly as red as her hair. "Ah... Oh... I-I see..." Susan cleared her throat. "Well! Um... If you think so... I... I'm willing to try." She frowned. "But what would Tonks say?"

"I think she'll be all right with it," Harry said with a nod, feeling a bit confused. "She's a lot more open minded than you might think."

Susan stared. She covered her mouth, and squealed softly. Harry stared.

"Er, Susan? What's-?"

"S-Sure! Sure!" Susan said brightly. "I um... I just need to tell Hannah!"

"Shouldn't you talk to your aunt?" Harry asked. Susan blinked.

"Ah… Harry, I didn't know you were into that sort of thing-"

"She's the best choice for our plans," Harry said. Susan gawked.

"I… Huh? But she's so old-"

"So? There isn't an age limit on becoming Minister of Magic," Harry said. He frowned and rubbed the back of his head. "Least I don't think there is."

"Oh! You want to make her the Minister!" Susan said quickly. "Oh… I misunderstood. I mean, my aunt is not-"

"She's not the reason we're friends, nor is she the reason I'm seeking you out for this," Harry said. He reached out and took her hand. "You're my friend, and part of this. Brave and beautiful. And I want you to be with us."

Susan very slowly nodded. "So… You want me to talk my aunt into running for Minister, but not to be part of our... "

"Arrangement? No." Harry said, blinking. Susan sighed in relief.

"Good… That was kind of weird."

"How was that kind of weird-" Harry tried, but the redhead held her hands up.

"No! No no no! I mean… What I mean is, I'll be happy to talk to my aunt. And to join with you three."

Harry grinned. "Works just fine for me!"

"Wonderful! This is going to be great!" Susan laughed. "But I think we may need to draw up a schedule… Oh! Ohhh... " She nodded. "I see. That's why you got Hermione!"

"Well, she is the natural choice," Harry said.

"And Pansy?" Asked Susan. Harry colored a bit.

"Well, she's… We've… It's kind of complicated."

"Don't worry," Susan said, squeezing his hand. "I understand. I'm happy to join with you. Oh… This is going to be so much fun!"

Susan smiled and kissed his cheek. "But me? I want to go first!"

She ran off giggling. Harry watched her go, blinking in confusion.

"Did... I miss something...?"

* * *

><p>Severus Snape was in a fairly good mood, all things considered. His new estate was bigger than Spinner's End, but required a great deal of work and labor to make into a satisfactory home. He supposed he could sell it if need be, but for the moment he had opened up some of the aged bourbon in the larder and was enjoying a drink in the large, ornate dining room. The manor was the former home of the Gamp family, and had been named Winterfen in its heyday due to the gorgeous scenery it enjoyed during the winter months. In the summer, however, it was a pricey manor on a few dull, gray moors.<p>

Still, the prestige was nice. As was this bourbon, as he sipped a bit more. He sighed at the satisfying burn down his throat, and swirled the ice around in his glass with a bit of a smirk.

His godson had taken things badly. Badly enough Spinner's End was a burned out husk of a home. The insurance money was taking time to be issued, understandably given he'd taken out the policy almost immediately before the Inferi Giant attack-Or, as the Muggle news networks were calling it, the freak storm of Little Whinging. The damage was considerable, and there were calls for more investigations into stopping "global warming" or whatever the Muggles were blaming for strange weather these days. It was as though they had to invent new names for the gods whenever they passed into a new decade.

Not that his own kind were much better, Snape admitted, drinking more bourbon and sighing at the healthy warmth it caused within his veins. He sighed, and continued to stare out at the moors, shadowed by partial cloud cover.

Several bangs and shrieks interrupted his reverie, and he rose with a sigh. He stalked down the ancient halls to the Floo fireplace, where a badly bruised and burnt Peter Pettigrew lay twitching. Snape allowed himself a smirk of satisfaction.

"Wormtail. You did not announce yourself," Snape sneered. Peter groaned, and very slowly got up onto his feet. He glared at him.

"Well you didn't tell me you had burnt down your house!" He growled. Snape raised an eyebrow.

"You could have at least called ahead. I may have lowered the defenses-"

"No you wouldn't," Peter huffed. Snape shrugged, acknowledging this.

"That is correct."

Peter sighed, and rubbed his face with both hands. He groaned softly, and looked back at Snape with some disbelief.

"You know... You could stand to be a bit... Kinder, to me," Wormtail said carefully. "I mean, we are-"

"_Nothing_. Alike," Snape sneered. Wormtail scowled at him, drawing his robes around himself more tightly. He looked as though he was trying to screw up his courage, as he always did.

"I think we have more than enough regrets between us, Severus," Wormtail said. Snape sneered, his grip on his wand tightening. Pettigrew stood his ground though, and Snape managed to calm himself. Killing the rat would just make his life more difficult, and he didn't have the money on hand to create a suitable fascimile to fool the Dark Lord.

Although...

"And you've got that 'How could I kill him and keep it a secret' look on your face, so don't bother," Peter went on. Snape raised an eyebrow, and barely kept his temper in check.

"I believe you were going, Wormtail," Snape replied, barely keeping it to a snarl. Peter smirked, ever so slightly. He held out a piece of paper. Snape summoned it, and read through it, noting that the lines had been printed out by a Muggle computer. Indeed, the Dark Lord was changing, and Snape did not think it bode well.

As he read the paper, he was sure of it. He sighed, and looked up at Pettigrew. "The Dark Lord wants me to begin recruiting every Squib you lot loosed upon the Muggle world? Really?"

"Given how Bellatrix's son," and here Peter hissed the name in obvious jealousy, "is performing as Loremaster, the Dark Lord feels more Muggle scum assets would be good. And given you're half Muggle-"

"Better than all rat, I imagine," Snape said flatly. Wormtail sniffed, his courage rising a bit higher.

"Better than a lonely stag."

Snape unleashed several curses before he even knew he'd let them loose. Pettigrew was slammed against the nearest wall, battered and bruised... But still smirking. Snape took several more deep breaths.

"If you would like to live-"

"Ha! Please... Severus," Pettigrew managed through broken teeth, "I've taken worse... On a good day from the Dark Lord..." He rose, and shook his head. "Your standing has taken... A bit of a drop, in some ways."

"Clearly, if you've found some courage around me," Snape hissed. Peter shrugged.

"I'm just saying... If you want the Dark Lord to take you seriously, you might want to put in some more effort, Snivellus." He smirked a bit at the twitch in Snape's eyes. "And of course... Get to replacing that collection of yours."

Wormtail turned and left, vanishing into the Floo Flames. Snape sighed, taking deep breaths. Old wounds being dragged up by Wormtail? The most pathetic specimen of the Death Eaters? The one he wanted dead almost as much as Voldemort?

This would not do. He scrutinized the list more carefully, and thought.

Recruiting more Squibs would require researching them. He could already recall a few that had achieved a measure of success in the Muggle world, and a few in that border between Magic and Muggle. He allowed himself an almost fond look as he thought of Lucius and Narcissa's eldest son, Castor.

Yes... He would do nicely. Lucius had already spoken with him, but Lucius was all too distant from his children. Snape though? He had ins with such a young man.

Besides, it would make Narcissa happy. And he supposed he rather enjoyed that idea more than he should...

* * *

><p>Neville Longbottom had navigated his huge manor since he was a small child. He knew many ways around his grandmother's eyes, all the way to the greenhouse, and the Valyard's hangar deep below. But there was only one destination-So when he walked up to the main catwalk, his grandmother was waiting for him with a stern look on her face.<p>

"I believe the Healers said you were to rest for several weeks, Neville," Augusta said sternly. Neville rubbed the back of his head, but still managed to meet his grandmother's steely gaze.

"I... Yes, but I can at least help with the repairs," Neville said. "I mean..." He sighed. "I did kind of cause a lot of the damage-"

"No. That bitch and Voldemort caused that damage, not you," Augusta said seriously. Neville started, and looked up at her. Augusta allowed herself a smile.

"You fought valiantly, Neville. I could not be more proud," she said. Neville flushed.

"Th-Thank you Grandma... Why didn't you-?"

"You were recovering from injuries, boy!" Augusta tutted. "I told you when you acted like it wasn't something to be proud of!" She shook her head. "Honestly, what do they teach at that school?"

"Not Talos piloting," Neville said. Augusta chuckled, and rested a hand on his shoulder.

"No. Not entirely." Augusta turned to the hulking Talos, and sighed. "So many battles... So many repairs. It's taken this long just to collect all the pieces."

"We can rebuild it though, right Grandmother?" Neville asked with a smile. Augusta nodded.

"Yes... I feel we will need some help though," she said. She smirked. "I hear tell that Arthur Weasley is good with mechanical devices?"

Neville nodded. "Yeah! He is!"

"And the Weasleys do have a daughter, do they not?" Augusta asked further. "An unmarried one?"

Neville flushed. "G-Grandmother! I swear, I didn't know that-!"

"And," Augusta continued further, "If she is not to your liking, I do believe that... Delivery girl you met at St. Mungo's is unmarried?"

Neville flushed, and looked away. "How did you know about-?"

"I do," Augusta said with a huff. "I also know you have not called out for this... Pizza, once." She shook her head and sighed. "Come now Neville, fighting giant monsters and That Bitch cannot be more difficult than placing a Floo call, can it?"

"I... I guess not, Grandmother," Neville admitted. Augusta nodded.

"Good! You will bring the Weasleys here... And order pizza for them." She smirked. "Understood?"

"Yes Grandmother..."

* * *

><p>Rufus Scrimgeour was the the only person remaining in the conference room after his team's morning status meeting wrapped up. He set down the last of the reports his staff had delivered earlier, as well as the notes he'd taken during the brief recaps and discussion. Waving his wand, they arranged themselves and gracefully arced through the air into the leather satchel at his side. He stood and looked around the room at the tastefully paneled walls, admired the meticulously polished walnut table before him, and carefully pushed the comfortable (but not TOO plush) leather chair back into place. It had felt... odd... to conduct business in a room that could easily hold 40 people, when only 6 had shown up for the meeting. After closing and warding the door he took a moment to try and gather his racing thoughts. He was distinctly not looking forward to any conversations with Madam Bones, but knew that he needed to speak with her soon. She would return from lunch at 1, and that would barely give him enough time to prepare.<p>

Forcefully blowing out a large enough breath to move the hair on his forehead, the Head of the Auror Office walked down the hallway to his own quarters. He wondered to himself, not for the first time, how the Ministry had been able to create such a vast amount of chaos and disruption in such a short time. Rufus noticed he was again becoming lost in his thoughts, and paused to quickly scan his surroundings - the Ministry's chaos providing perhaps the perfect cover for someone to take action against him. After reassuring himself that nothing was out of place he grimaced as he muttered "constant vigilance" to himself, again wondering if he could persuade his old companion Moody to come out of retirement, and just as quickly remembering the pointed, profanity-laden diatribe the scarred old bastard had unloaded when asked that question two days ago.

He unsealed his office, and after a quick check, put his satchel on the desk and waved his wand to arrange the not inconsiderable pile he needed to read. He sat down and pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling another headache building. He felt gritty, and brittle, and the world was too bright and too loud. The pace of the past week was starting to wear on him. He set a clean parchment on the desk, and started making a list of items to discuss with Madam Bones.

He had been at work for a bit when there was a knock on the door. Scrimgeour saw the distinctively bald head and broad shoulders of Kingsley Shacklebolt enter his office before he could answer. The Auror pulled up a chair and sat down rather heavily. He said "Sir. We need to talk." and at the same time Rufus sat up ramrod straight and asked him "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Shacklebolt grunted. "I apologize sir, but I just became aware of a situation that requires your immediate attention. It can't wait."

Scrimgeour sat back. "I suppose this situation is also why you were absent from this morning's status meeting?"

"I asked Proudfoot to cover for me and give the reports. Did he forget to mention that?"

"Yes, or anything else. Auror Proudfoot resigned yesterday."

Shacklebolt's reply was quite pungent. Scrimgeour grimly nodded his agreement. "I said almost the same thing myself yesterday. Unfortunately, if he kept working for us, his family would starve. I told him he would be welcome back once we're out the other side of... all this." Rufus gestured at the stack of reports.

"Sir, I came here directly from Longbottom Manor. Madam Longbottom requested I stop by, ostensibly to check on the progress of repairs to the Talos. Afterward, she introduced me to a guest and asked me if..." The bald Auror trailed off, seemingly searching for the right words to use.

"If?" Prompted Scrimgeour.

"If I would consider serving as Minister of Magic. As a 'transition officeholder'. Madam Longbottom and her guest both offered to support me, since I'm a 'likely lad who can sort all this out and clean up this mess'."

Scrimgeour's face looked like his headache just doubled.

"Merlin's balls! Who was her guest?"

"Madam Prewett. I'm assuming you've had the distinct pleasure of meeting her? Even more presence than Madam Longbottom. I thanked them for their offer, and told them I'd give them an answer today - after I discussed the situation with you and Madam Bones, to see if either of you want the job instead. They offered to support either of you as well. Unconditionally."

Scrimgeour was unable to think of anything to say in response. After he realized his mouth was hanging open, he asked Kingsley "Well, do you want the job?"

"Sir, I don't. But I will take it, if I need to. If nobody else is willing to step up and put a stop to this insanity."

Scrimgeour tilted his head slightly, trying to cover up his total inability to process the last few moments of  
>conversation. Shacklebolt took this as an invitation to speak more.<p>

"We can't continue like this, sir. I apologize, but you look like death warmed over. Been using pepper-up potions to get through the day?"

Scrimgeour briefly nodded his head in assent.

"Sir, we - all of us that remain - are at the end of our rope. We're fighting a battle we cannot win, with too few resources across far too many targets. And we've been fighting against the chaos, rather than the cause of the chaos. If nothing changes I'm guessing we have another two days before the complete collapse of Wizarding society."

Rufus closed his eyes and raised a hand to forestall any further conversation. After several seconds he again waved his wand at the stack of reports, returning them to his satchel. Picking up the one parchment with the list he had been working on, he slowly stood and fixed Shacklebolt with a stern gaze. He gestured to the bald Auror. "Thank you, Kingsley. For your service, and perseverance, and reminding me of my duty. It is past time we talk to Madam Bones. Shall we?"

The two men strode out of Scrimgeour's office towards the bank of elevators.

* * *

><p><em>Sorry it's been so long since an update. Call this a Christmas present.<em>


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